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[personal profile] salixbabylon

rain




I’ve kind of been hibernating lately. The holiday chaos was followed by me getting 2 viruses back to back, and by the emotional upheaval of my grandmother falling and breaking her hip and then having pretty serious heart problems as a result of the anesthetic. Yeah, she’s 87 and she’s had a good life, but it sent me into a tailspin. Not only was it the “OMG déjà vu” feeling from when my mom died – I thought everything was fine and dandy, then “oh hey, we’re ill/hurt” and then “oh, we’re DYING RIGHT NOW” but it was also the exact same time of year, a mere two days apart.

And my grandmother was the only really good thing about my childhood. Nothing really unique about her or special in a historical way, but she was a safe haven. I never got into trouble at her house, I don’t recall her ever yelling at me or being punished in any way. She taught me about gardening and told me the stories of all the flowers. She taught me to keep house and take pride in it being tidy. She taught me how to shop for groceries, how to cook, how to do laundry, how to iron clothes. She tried to teach me to sew, but I hated it, and she never pushed or forced me to do anything. When my dad was in the hospital with his first heart attack, she taught me to crochet. Mostly, she taught me what it was to feel safe and secure in my home, and that keeping house was work to be proud of, and not anti-feminist at all.

She’s okay, by the way – that wasn’t a eulogy. Her heart defect is apparently the same one my mom had that eventually caused her death (in conjunction with the breast cancer and pneumonia, of course). But Grandma is out of the rehab hospital as of yesterday, and my aunt and her husband stepped up and she’s staying with them for a few weeks until she can go home. Or until she decides maybe she needs someone around. She’s been living alone for 25 years, more or less.

So yeah. Grief that comes and goes, although it’s mostly just sadness now. Sometimes I miss my mom, and I’m not so angry at her anymore. I miss Oswald, too, but Hershey helps some.

What I miss the most, though, is writing. Wanting to write. That spark of creativity. If feels like it’s been *years* since I felt that, that writing was fun and not a chore or an assignment or a hideous job that I had to force myself to do. I started a bday ficlet for a friend and haven’t finished it. I want to, but I want to *want* to, if you know what I mean. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. If I’m not a writer, and I’m not a librarian, and I’ll never have a professional job and I won’t be a mother… What am I? Just an admin?

Yesterday was Imbolc. I went to a really great community ritual, and had the first good meditation I’ve had in at least two years. I realized a lot of things. I’ve been whipping my brain along so fast that it collapses into exhaustion at night, incoherent dreams, no sex drive. I was afraid to stop and think, afraid of how much it hurt any time I paused for breath. NO wonder my creativity went into hibernation – I wasn’t leaving any room for it.

So I’m going to make time to meditate again. Even if it’s just “zoning out while I drive’, with music off or quiet and let my mind wander out of the very small tunnel I was forcing it to say in. I’ve shed my tears, and I’m not as afraid of the depth of my grief as I was. I’m ready to stop wearing black, figuratively.

To that end, I’ve been thinking about spirit animals. My card for the year on NYE was Strength, the lion in the lap of a maiden. And Iv’e been very drawn to imaged and art of peacocks lately, so I looked them up too:

Lions: From the lion we can learn how to be fearless if we allow ourselves to relax long enough to learn from it…a young lion symbolised the rising sun. So if Lion enters your life, you may experience your own true, radiant selves - your soul - rising to the surface…When we have the courage to be true to ourselves, we will be empowered to act and live in ways true to our own soul - the true meaning of self esteem, without any illusion…

Peacocks: They can help us shed the old feathers of the past and to take back the true beauty of our individuality. This increases self-respect and confidence…Its cries that hold a touch of laughter - as if to imply that no-thing, including beauty, should be taken too seriously. This helps remind us to stay centered on what is, and to be grateful for what we have, and to also have a more light hearted approach to all things that come our way, as laughter really is the best medicine and helps to keep us healthy. This is an important facet of wholeness.

(from http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6202/lion-power-animal-symbol-of-brotherhood-feminine-energy and http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6069/peacock-power-animal-symbol-beauty-watchfulness-immortality)

So what I take from those combined in my life right now is the idea of finding/having/using the strength inside to let my “true colors” show through. To stop hiding, stop grieving, find the beauty in the world around me. Be sparkly again.

Happy spring. :)
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