salixbabylon | Fic: Virulentus Somnium (Harry/Severus, 2/9)

Title: Virulentus Somnium
Author:

salixbabylon
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Harry/Severus
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word Count: 37,100 total
Disclaimer: Characters and places in this story, which appear in the Harry Potter novels, belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros. and Scholastic. I don't make, or intend to make money out of them. They just wouldn't leave me alone

Summary: Two years after graduation, Harry's having nightmares at Hogwarts. Who will wake him up?

Author's Notes: This is a much-edited and hopefully improved version of my original fic, written in 2002 in the dark ages before OotP, and is now obviously quite AU. Credits go to Nathaniel Hawthorne for "Rappachini's Daughter." The story was definitely influenced by Accio Snape's Something to Live For (password needed) and Cybele's Le Lien des Beaux Reves.

Previous Chapters

Virulentus Somnium

Part 2

Noon, Day 2

Harry woke up exactly twelve hours later in the infirmary; he would know that smell anywhere. Before his breathing changed, before he opened his eyes, he tried figure out in what way he was damaged. His face and palms of his hands burned like they'd been eaten away by acid and were bandaged. The next fully conscious breath he took hurt so much it brought tears to his eyes; he would have whimpered if his throat didn't feel as if someone had take a knife to it from the inside. His head throbbed and his body hurt everywhere, but a general ache, not any specific pain.

He realized the foot of the bed was sunken and that someone was sitting on it.

Harry opened his eyes, relatively certain whom he would see. Snape's fuzzy image came into as much focus as was possible without his glasses. Apparently not a dreamless sleep after all, Harry thought.

Unfortunately his involuntary scowl at this thought hurt his face, which made him wince, which hurt his face even more, which made him groan, which hurt his throat so much he almost blacked out from the pain. He felt his glasses being carefully placed on his face and when he opened his eyes to glare in outrage at Snape he was surprised to see the older man look both haggard and... contrite?

"I am sorry," Snape said in a quite, tense voice. "I don't understand how the potion could fail to work, but I'm so sorry I made you take it." He turned to the nightstand, clearing his throat, and came back with a goblet. "You screamed until your throat bled. Now that you're awake, you can swallow this, though. It should help. I hope," he added with an uncertainty Harry had never heard in the Potions Master's voice before.

He decided to think about that later, as Snape brought the glass to his lips and he opened his mouth to drink. The liquid flowed over his throat and cooled it, soothing the raw flesh like a thin layer of cold silvery honey, and although he swallowed, it stayed on his throat, easing the pain.

He savored the feeling for a moment, then looked up at Snape again. "What happened?" Harry managed to whisper, barely louder than a breath, the words still rasping his throat.

As Snape started to answer, the Infirmary doors opened and Madam Pomfrey and the Headmaster burst in.

"Oh good, he's awake now," exclaimed Madam Pomfrey as she rushed over. With flick of her wand, the bandages on his hands and face disappeared, and she applied more of a sticky green salve before conjuring fresh wrappings. "Has he taken the potion for his throat, Severus?" she asked.

Snape nodded, looking at his hands folded neatly in his lap.

"You might want to make him another one for later," she suggested. "He can take it after he gets some, er, rest," she finished awkwardly.

Snape nodded. Harry tried to smile a little to thank her while Dumbledore said, "Thank you, Poppy," in that way of his that was clearly a polite dismissal. As she left, Dumbledore pulled a chair up to the bed and asked Snape, "Have you told him yet?"

"No, he just woke up," Snape replied. "I gave him the potion. He asked what happened. You came in before I had a chance to answer." Harry had never heard the professor sound so cowed.

Dumbledore too seemed a bit surprised at Snape's tone, but he continued after a moment, turning to Harry. "Well, my boy, you've had us all worried once again. It seems Severus gave you a twelve-hour dreamless sleeping draught. Which promptly knocked you out for twelve hours in quite a thorough manner. Unfortunately, the dreamless component seems to have not worked for some indeterminable reason." He reached over and patted Snape's hands. "I doubt you could have made an error with the potion, Severus. I suspect there's more to this than a simple mistake."

Turning back to Harry, he continued. "About an hour after Severus escorted you to your quarters, you began screaming so loudly that the echoes from the dungeon roused almost the whole castle. By the time we got into your rooms, you had hurt your face and hands rather badly with your fingernails. Since you were asleep and not responding in the usual way to a magical potion, we were hesitant to give you any other potions. You were struggling so much you might have choked on it anyway." Dumbledore paused.

"We couldn't wake you. The only thing we could think of to do to stop your dreams was cast a temporary memory charm to make you forget everything about yourself. I apologize, Harry; memory charms are quite invasive, but it was an emergency and seemed to be the only way to stop you from hurting yourself further." An anxious look crept across the old man's face. "It was only temporary; I presume that it's worn off now that you're awake? You know who you are and where you are?"

Harry thought for a moment. Of course he knew who he was: Harry Potter, infamous and miserable Boy Who Lived. He was at Hogwarts. He even remembered drinking the sleeping potion in Snape's rooms. He nodded.

Dumbledore smiled. "Good. You can rest for a bit longer and you should be as good as new by tomorrow."

The headmaster got up and walked to the door, turning to add, "Oh, and Severus - no one thinks you made a mistake on the potion. While not impossible, that option is so unlikely as to not be worth considering. This was not your fault at all."

Snape shook his head as the door closed. "I am sorry, Harry," he said again. It was not lost on either of them that Snape apologizing was a highly rare occurrence. He continued, "I'm sorry about the potion, I'm sorry about pressuring you to take it, I'm sorry I didn't get to your rooms quickly enough to stop you from hurting yourself. And... despite Albus' purposeful use of the plural 'we,' I am the only one who knew a temporary memory charm. I cast it."

Harry was puzzled; the charm had stopped his horrific dreams so why was it such a big deal?

Snape surprised Harry by seeming to read his thoughts, "Memory charms, while not technically among the Unforgivable curses, are just this side of Imperius. To tamper with another person's memory is quite dangerous, as well as highly unethical. Something could have gone wrong; you could have forgotten everything. Permanently. We were so worried that nothing magical was going to work properly on you," he finished, passing one hand across his face.

Harry was so taken aback by the distress in the man's expression that all he could do was blink. Snape looked like he'd spent hours fretting and Harry rightly guessed that he had blamed himself for everything. He started to whisper an acceptance of the apology, but thought better of his throat and carefully reached out a bandaged hand to cover Snape's instead. He managed a slight upturned corned of his mouth that would have been a smile if it hadn't hurt so unbearably.

"Yes, don't speak," said Snape. "Wait until after the next dose; give the flesh some time to heal. Now I suppose you won't want to actually sleep," he said, some of his usual sarcasm creeping back, "so perhaps I'll fetch you something to read?"

Harry nodded his agreement as Snape left the room. He returned after a short while with some magazines and newspapers and several thick, dusty books.

"I hope you won't mind if I stay here?" Snape inquired. "I thought I might look through some books and start trying to discern what's going on. Of course, if you'd rather, I can do this elsewhere."

Harry was only a bit surprised to find himself nodding and gesturing at the chair for Snape to stay.

*****

3 PM, Day 2

Odd, Harry thought a few hours later. "International Quidditch Monthly" lay open and unread in his lap. I actually don't mind that he's here. In fact, I'd rather he be here than be alone. I'm not... he fumbled for a few moments, trying to pin down his feelings. I'm not afraid. With him here. Afraid of falling asleep. Of dreaming.

Weird. I was so bloody angry with him this afternoon. No, yesterday afternoon, he remembered; he had been out for half a day. I suppose I wasn't really angry with him, though. Just so tired.

And embarrassed, he admitted. Embarrassed that someone found out and that it had to be Snape, of all people.

But why is he still here? Why is he getting involved in this? Why does he act like he... cares? No one cares about me. I've saved the wizarding world; my duties are finished. Now I can just disappear and no one has even noticed.

Harry closed his eyes. Fuck - this train of thought was so exhausting, so familiar. Never any variation, just feelings of overwhelming futility, loneliness, isolation. Why did he even bother to continue existing? Why hadn't he jumped from the top of the Astronomy Tower by now? He'd thought about it often enough, almost daily in fact. His entire life had been focused on defeating Voldemort and cleaning up the mess the Death Eaters had made of the world. Finally the good guys had won, but there was no real sense of lasting victory for Harry. What was he supposed to do with his life now?

A life alone, he reminded himself. Never forget that you'll always be alone.

He was too injured and weary to resist the waves of self-pity that washed over him, the helplessness and melancholy. Alone. No friends. No one who cares about me as anything beyond a savior or an icon. A symbol of the Light overcoming the Dark, of survival. No one really sees me as a person. Certainly no one loves me. Ever.

And no one ever will. How could they? I'm not a real person to anyone, just a focal point for everyone's hopes. I'm completely worthless now.

My entire life was defined as fighting Voldemort. And now that's over. I'm nothing. How could anyone want me?

And even if someone did want me, could want me, they'd be a target for whoever decides to come after me next. It's better this way, he tried to convince himself. Then no one will get hurt and die. Because then I'd be even more alone. Harry was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice as a tear of misery slid out from the corner of his eye to the bandage on his cheek.

Snape noticed, however. He slammed the heavy book he was reading closed, thoughtfully turning away from Harry so that he could recover from whatever anguishing thoughts he was having.

"It's time for more of that potion for your throat," he said, retrieving the bottle. "Then I have some questions for you, if you're up to them. I've come across a few possibilities, but I need more information from you to narrow them down."

Harry drank the potion, savoring the cool soothing feeling. He tentatively cleared his throat, making small noises, testing to see how much it still hurt. Not too badly. "What do you need to know?" he asked. "And can I take off these bandages yet?"

"I can't see why not," Snape replied, waving his wand. The bandages disappeared from Harry's face and hands. The skin was still red and tender looking, but otherwise mostly healed. "I trust you'll leave your skin alone and not try to use any Glamour spells? That will just make it take longer to heal."

Harry sighed. "I just... It's not that I'm vain," he blurted. "I just, well, got really tired of everyone asking if I was ok all of the time. If I was sleeping well. Why I wasn't sleeping well. I just... didn't want to attract so much attention to it," he finished lamely.

"I'm sorry to say but attention has been attracted," Snape said in a dry voice. "I can't believe you've gone on for so long without coming to anyone for help. What were you thinking? You can't possibly have been in a fit state of mind for most of the battles with the Dark Lord or his followers. When did all of this start?" he accused.

"I wasn't that careless," retorted Harry, green eyes flashing with old anger. "I've had nothing but nightmares for years, but it's only been the last few months that I've also felt tired all the time. Like even though I'm sleeping, I'm not resting at all. And we won the battles anyway, so what bloody difference does it make?"

"Fine." Snape took a deep breath, obviously mastering his irritation, and then continued. "Let's try to focus on one thing at a time. You say you've had nightmares for years – when did they begin? When exactly did they get worse?"

Harry closed his eyes, trying to remember. "I guess it would have been in my fifth year here... I mean, I'd always had nightmares and the summer after Voldemort returned and Cedric died, well, I had a lot of them. But sometime my fifth year, they changed, somehow. Got worse. I always woke up screaming or with my friends shaking me awake. Until I started putting up Silencing charms every night."

He snorted, a brief, bitter smirk crossing his face. "And not for the same reasons as the other boys. Anyway. They got a lot worse after I killed Lucius Malfoy. So, that would be about five months ago. That's the last time I remember not feeling crushingly tired. And..." he hesitated a moment, "that's when I started having to use the Glamour spell every day to conceal how tired I looked, instead of just sometimes."

Snape listened to this recital as if he had expected it. Most of the facts pointed to one solution. "It sounds as if someone planted a curse in your subconscious. But that still doesn't explain why the Dreamless Sleep potion didn't work." He hesitated, then asked quickly, "Harry, what are your nightmares about? I know that's a quite personal question but I think the answer is in the content or nature of the dreams themselves." Snape paused again, adding, "Of course you can rely upon my discretion."

Harry thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "I trust you." He seemed just as surprised as Snape to hear the words come out his mouth. "I dream about..." He paused. "They're mostly dreams of..." He choked. Deep breath. Just say it. Come on, relax.

Frustrated now, he started over, "My nightmares are about..." and trailed off again as hs mind clouded over with confusion. Only looking at Snape's expectant face make him remember what he was saying.

"Gods, I'm trying! I can't get the words out. I can't..." He made an exasperated noise. "It's like the harder I try to put it into words, the more I forget what the dreams are about." He raised his eyes in frustrated confusion to Snape, who held his gaze for a long moment, assessing.

"The harder you try to voice your dreams, the more you are unable to speak and you forget what they're about?" he confirmed.

Harry nodded.

"Have you ever tried to tell anyone about your dreams before?"

Harry thought for a moment and nodded again. "Once. In school. Ron." He remembered Ron waking him up, shaking him, face pale with concern, asking Harry what he was dreaming. He hadn't been able to tell him. "The same thing happened."

"Definitely a curse then," Snape said with some satisfaction. "Probably with a secrecy or shame component to make you unable to tell anyone about it." He sighed. "What are you going to do, Harry? You must sleep sometime. Do you think you can?"

Misery returned to Harry's expression. He was exhausted, more so than usual. His body hurt, his skin hurt, his eyes and throat still felt raw.

"I know you're right," he said in a small voice. "But... I don't know what to do," he admitted. "Sometimes, once the sun is up, I can sleep some, but..." He looked down at the scratches healing on his hands and whispered, "I'm afraid." The difficulty in speaking, the shame and amount it cost his pride to admit this, were written all over his face. He seemed to be trying to force himself to say something more when Snape interrupted.

"Would you like me to stay with you? I'll wake you up if you become restless. I can read just as comfortably in your room as in the library."

Harry sighed with relief at Snape's proposal. "Yes. Please." He was so grateful it almost hurt. It's like he's reading my thoughts. Am I that transparent? Or does he just know me that well? I guess I've known him my whole life, practically, but now, today, everything just feels different. Comfortable. It's nice. He acts like... Harry swallowed at the thought. He acts like he likes taking care of me. Like he worries about me. Like he actually likes me, maybe?

He turned this idea over in his head a few times. Snape likes me. As a person. And... the words slowly came together, ...it feels nice. I like him.

I like him? I like Snape?

Hm... I do. He's been pretty helpful, once we started working on the same side. He's been looking after me since I was a kid. And... I like it. I feel safe with him. I trust him.

Madame Pomfrey's appearance interrupted Harry's startling revelations to cast some more healing spells on Harry's face and hands before releasing him into Snape's care with orders to get some sleep, somehow.

The two men walked down the corridors, to the dungeons and to Harry's chambers.

Part 3

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh geez, I'm afraid of what that curse is hiding in Harry's memory! I have a bad feeling.

Hehehe! Harry really does get abused a bit in this fic. Good thing Severus is here to try and help. :)

Caring!Snape. mmmmm

Don't worry, some of the snark will come back later. ;)

I like how comforting and apologetic (we don't often see a very apologetic Snape, lol) Snape was being. I can't wait for ch. 3. Wonderful work!~Sophia

It's true, this Snape is a bit different from the one in the books. Hopefully his motivations will become a little more clear as the story progresses. His inner nurturing side can be a little surprising. *g*

Next post coming soon! Thanks for reading and commenting!

Harry really got hexed badly, didn't he? I love contrite!Snape. He's so likeable. I really hope that Severus will be able to remove the curse from Harry soon because no one should live like that. Eagerly awaiting more of this story :-).

Those Death Eaters don't really mess around, do they? I'm glad Snape's heroic side is believable - he just wanted a chance to relax for once. But don't worry, he's not having a total personality makeover. :)

More coming soon! Thanks for reading and letting me know what you think!

Poor Harry - what a dreadful curse. I look forward to reading how Severus cures him :) I like this caring Severus - I think he would be exactly like this, if he was to survive the war - and no doubt the mystery curse intrigues him.

Yes, Severus does like to use that big sexy brain of his, doesn't he? I'm so glad the characters are convincing to you - this is pretty much the only h/c I've ever written so I'm pleased it works. :)

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!

oo i like this :D! so interesting so far.

hope you don't mind...but i'm friending you..i want to keep updated :D

Welcome! I'm so pleased that you're enjoying the story so far - lots more to come! :)

This is so intriguing! I like your nurturing Snape :)

Thank you! I had a lot of fun writing the mystery aspect of this fic - I'm glad it's keeping you interested. :)

Severus was a challenge to write, but I'm glad you're enjoying this slight shift of personality. Hopefully the reasons behind it will become more clear as the story moves forward!

Lovely story, would you mind if i friended you to keep updated?

Thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far.

And of course - welcome to my LJ! :)

ok, I confess: I'm weak! (and also very addicted) I really meant to wait until you had posted all the chapters, but but... I couldn't resist! Loved the story so far... A well written story with a very good plot idea. I REALLY look forward to the next part. Feel sorry for Harry, though, it hasn't been easy for him, hiding his condition and generally thinking that he will always be alone. I hope Snape can help him with that... *winks*

Yours Sincerly
The Slash-addicted lass
From Finland

*g* Well, I'm glad you're weak and *very* glad you're enjoying the story so much. Poor Harry indeed - he's really been pretty miserable for a long while. I have faith that Severus will find a way to help, though. ;)

Thanks for reading! More coming later today!

Yeah.
JUST had to say, I like this WAY much.
I don't even wanna start guessing about how it's gonna proceed; I'm gonna sit and watch and be glad I found it.. that you decided to put it up.
And I'll try not to squick too hard when the dark ness settles in as I know it MUST. Will you sit w/me if it gets awful?
peace and hope
-km-

Hehehe. Well, the stuff that will squick you is also essential to the story, if that makes it any better. Dunno - maybe that'll make it worse. But yes, I'll hold your hand while you read it. ;)

I'll "hold" you to that.
twitch twitch
I'm *tryin'* to learn how to waggle my eyebrows
-km

Fic: Virulentus Somnium (Harry/Severus, 2/9)

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