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ups and downs
Aug. 5th, 2008 09:13 pmYou know that moment in LOTR when Frodo says in the most pathetic voice ever, "I can't do this"? Yeah, that was my day. Panic attack around 11 am, tears, anger, frustration, snakes-in-the-tummy, nausea - I haven't been this fucked up since the week before my wedding.
And through it all, I kept thinking, "I don't want to be this person. I don't like being like this. I don't want to be this way anymore."
And then, although it it's pretty much all still unresolved, part of me decided "Fuck this" and read smut for a few hours. Blew off Jazzercize. Ate a carb-heavy dinner. Went outside.
Watched the most gorgeous silvery-grey clouds blow around, the kind that make the sky seem huge and infinite, wide-open and free, and it almost makes you feel dizzying vertigo to stare at. Euphoric and small and yet not unimportant. And then it rained on me. Just a little bit, but it hasn't rained a speck since March or April.
And then I can inside and made cookies and listened to Mika. And I double-dog-dare anyone to feel down while listening to Mika.
And then the sun set and the whole sky was this extraordinary color, pinkish orangey purple, as far as the horizon stretched. Not just in the sunset areas of the sky, but all the way across. Vibrant magenta orange.
Amazing.
Things are still fucked up. But I can do this.
And through it all, I kept thinking, "I don't want to be this person. I don't like being like this. I don't want to be this way anymore."
And then, although it it's pretty much all still unresolved, part of me decided "Fuck this" and read smut for a few hours. Blew off Jazzercize. Ate a carb-heavy dinner. Went outside.
Watched the most gorgeous silvery-grey clouds blow around, the kind that make the sky seem huge and infinite, wide-open and free, and it almost makes you feel dizzying vertigo to stare at. Euphoric and small and yet not unimportant. And then it rained on me. Just a little bit, but it hasn't rained a speck since March or April.
And then I can inside and made cookies and listened to Mika. And I double-dog-dare anyone to feel down while listening to Mika.
And then the sun set and the whole sky was this extraordinary color, pinkish orangey purple, as far as the horizon stretched. Not just in the sunset areas of the sky, but all the way across. Vibrant magenta orange.
Amazing.
Things are still fucked up. But I can do this.
