8 more days
Oct. 3rd, 2003 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
salixbabylonA week and a day left until the big Three-Oh. Feeling pretty good about everything; actually am quite looking forward to it. God-awful horrendous twenties will fucking finally be over.
I keep vacillating about the tattoo plan (Hi! I'm a Libra!)... Lots of cons and the only pro I can think of is why the heck not? I guess I have lots of things in my life I regret not doing, but almost none I regret doing. This would be a bold step in the other direction. Am kind of wondering about what happens if I make an appointment and chicken out at the last minute? What if I make a complete fool of myself and start bawling while they do it? How much will it really hurt; my pain tolerance has way way decreased in the last few years. I'm sure they've seen people cry, though, and pain is more a tears slipping down the face thing than a heart-broken sobbing fit. But I also want it somewhere a bit intimate, that it suddenly occurred to me I might not be totally comfortable with some strange tattooed uber-punk guy touching me there. (Nowhere -that- naughty, just upper-upper thigh, just below the crease at hipline.)
So anyway, I do want it, and I do like the symbol, and I don't think I'll regret that. It's just... almost any other symbol I might regret at some point in the future, because who knows if I'll still be a witch or a writer or a belly dancer, but I will always still be me. And I trust this symbol, having come from my subconscious. Of course I'm not putting it where it was in the dream, which was on my inner forearm, which would be cool, but from what I understand, excruciatingly painful, not to mention highly visible. It would be cool if they did it in silver ink, that looked mostly invisible, but... Again, painful, and no way in hell am I actually having it burned in as a brand, like it was in the dream. That would be worse by leaps and bounds.
Of course it's not like nobody every had a tattoo there... Certainly there's the serial numbers thing, but then again I doubt the Nazis really cared if it was a painful place or how much people cried having it done. Also, it does make me think a bit about the Dark Mark, too, and the tender flesh of the inner arm... I do like the idea of it being over the veins in my forearm, though... I know that seems somewhat perverse, but it almost seems less like a threat to the veins and my life and more like a promise, a recognition that it will never come to that, because it never did. The worst is over; now I have faith in myself.
Every now and then I "accidentally" read a suicide fic and get mildly annoyed at the slash across the wrists instead of the proper cuts that would actually result in bleeding to death. I'm always mildly tempted to inform the author that it takes a bit more cutting than that; it's not just a simple little nick to the veins; they have to be severed and it's more successful to do an up and down cut than across. Ignoring, of course completely, that it's not statistically a way many boys choose to commit suicide, but then again, who wants that much realism in their angst-smut? And let's not make the boys too boyish. Certainly I know I can be accused of making my characters too girly. It's a fine line to walk, though, trying to get into their emotions when men are so very good at keeping those buried deep down...
Wow, I didn't mean for that to get so morbid, with the detour into suicide.
I truly AM feeling pretty good about the up-coming event, and I think it will be good. I hope I find some time to go hiking by myself. Hopefully I won't be too hung over from the previous night's excesses -- the plan for the party is that I've been so responsible and reliable and always done what I should do, that it's high time to cast that all aside and embrace the disreputable side of life with sex and drugs and booze and porn.
I'm quite looking forward to it. ;)
I keep vacillating about the tattoo plan (Hi! I'm a Libra!)... Lots of cons and the only pro I can think of is why the heck not? I guess I have lots of things in my life I regret not doing, but almost none I regret doing. This would be a bold step in the other direction. Am kind of wondering about what happens if I make an appointment and chicken out at the last minute? What if I make a complete fool of myself and start bawling while they do it? How much will it really hurt; my pain tolerance has way way decreased in the last few years. I'm sure they've seen people cry, though, and pain is more a tears slipping down the face thing than a heart-broken sobbing fit. But I also want it somewhere a bit intimate, that it suddenly occurred to me I might not be totally comfortable with some strange tattooed uber-punk guy touching me there. (Nowhere -that- naughty, just upper-upper thigh, just below the crease at hipline.)
So anyway, I do want it, and I do like the symbol, and I don't think I'll regret that. It's just... almost any other symbol I might regret at some point in the future, because who knows if I'll still be a witch or a writer or a belly dancer, but I will always still be me. And I trust this symbol, having come from my subconscious. Of course I'm not putting it where it was in the dream, which was on my inner forearm, which would be cool, but from what I understand, excruciatingly painful, not to mention highly visible. It would be cool if they did it in silver ink, that looked mostly invisible, but... Again, painful, and no way in hell am I actually having it burned in as a brand, like it was in the dream. That would be worse by leaps and bounds.
Of course it's not like nobody every had a tattoo there... Certainly there's the serial numbers thing, but then again I doubt the Nazis really cared if it was a painful place or how much people cried having it done. Also, it does make me think a bit about the Dark Mark, too, and the tender flesh of the inner arm... I do like the idea of it being over the veins in my forearm, though... I know that seems somewhat perverse, but it almost seems less like a threat to the veins and my life and more like a promise, a recognition that it will never come to that, because it never did. The worst is over; now I have faith in myself.
Every now and then I "accidentally" read a suicide fic and get mildly annoyed at the slash across the wrists instead of the proper cuts that would actually result in bleeding to death. I'm always mildly tempted to inform the author that it takes a bit more cutting than that; it's not just a simple little nick to the veins; they have to be severed and it's more successful to do an up and down cut than across. Ignoring, of course completely, that it's not statistically a way many boys choose to commit suicide, but then again, who wants that much realism in their angst-smut? And let's not make the boys too boyish. Certainly I know I can be accused of making my characters too girly. It's a fine line to walk, though, trying to get into their emotions when men are so very good at keeping those buried deep down...
Wow, I didn't mean for that to get so morbid, with the detour into suicide.
I truly AM feeling pretty good about the up-coming event, and I think it will be good. I hope I find some time to go hiking by myself. Hopefully I won't be too hung over from the previous night's excesses -- the plan for the party is that I've been so responsible and reliable and always done what I should do, that it's high time to cast that all aside and embrace the disreputable side of life with sex and drugs and booze and porn.
I'm quite looking forward to it. ;)
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Date: 2003-10-04 07:47 am (UTC)