Fic: Five Things Jensen Hates About Jared
May. 31st, 2010 07:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
salixbabylonTitle: Five Things Jensen Hates About Jared (and a few that he doesn’t hate so very much)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
salixbabylon
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17 ish
Word Count: 1283
Disclaimer: No offense meant at all to the real guys. This is just fiction, people.
Summary: Jared’s habits and quirks and slovenly ways bug the shit out of Jensen. Most of the time. (Prompt was "smelly sneakers.")
Notes: Thank you gift totularia for her art, extra long for her awesome assistance in betaing Relationships 201. Huge thanks to sarka for the on-demand beta of this little story!
Five Things Jensen Hates About Jared
(and a few that he doesn’t hate so very much)
1. Jared’s smelly sneakers. Seriously, the stench is so amazingly bad that sometimes Jensen is actually surprised that he can’t see a toxic greenish-yellow cloud hovering over them. In fact, all of Jared’s sweating is pretty goddamned gross, and he doesn’t understand how it is that no doctors have ever found anything wrong with Jared, because that shit can’t be natural, no matter what Jared says. (Yes, Jensen asked. What? He drips sweat, even in the middle of Vancouver winter!)
The sneakers, though... Jensen’s smelled real rotten eggs, changed his nephew’s diapers, and once had to scoop up some roadkill from the sidewalk outside his grandma’s house in the Texas summer heat. Jared’s sneakers still win, hands-down.
2. Jared’s abysmally bad taste in music – the guy plays “Days Go By and Still I Think of You” while he’s hanging out at home. He plays pop and dance and rap and teenage girls singing about their everlasting teen love and boy bands, for the love of God!
Jensen did not sign up for this. This is so far beyond the pale that he’s reconsidered their friendship several times, on the basis of Jared’s musical choices alone. No, he’s not that shallow, but seriously, this is not indicative of someone with anything resembling good taste – or even consistent bad taste. It’s gotten so bad that every time Jared likes a song or band that Jensen likes, he starts to wonder if maybe it’s actually crap, because if Jared likes it, it must be.
It’s just sad, really.
3. The fact that Jared eats candy and junk food like a ten year old boy. He would eat steak and burgers and fries and bubble tape and gummi worms twenty-four hours a day if he could, and he can, which is so fucking unfair that it makes Jensen want to punch him right in his overstuffed-yet-still-somehow-flat belly. The guy never eats vegetables or fruit except as an afterthought, if they’re the only thing left on the table or someone reminds him that he could die of scurvy or malnutrition.
And then he has the nerve to tease Jensen about being old - which has been a bit of sore point ever since Jensen’s 29th birthday - just because he has Normal Human Metabolism and isn’t a giant freak!
The next time Jared cooks a package of bacon on Sunday and eats the whole damn thing himself, Jensen is going to smack him, seriously. And when Jared dies of a heart attack at thirty-five, Jensen is going to laugh and laugh.
4. Jared is a complete fucking slob. Jensen knew Jared was a slob when he was just a visitor at the house, a friend hanging out, but it really took them moving in together for it to become clear just how truly awful Jared is. Having a housekeeper is not a luxury for Jared so much as a necessity to keep the department of sanitation from arresting him for creating an unlicensed dump. He doubts Jared has ever taken out the trash without his mama yelling at him to do so, has never vacuumed the rugs, and has definitely never scrubbed a toilet in his entire life.
Sometimes Jensen thinks Mama Padalecki was a little too lenient on her baby boy. When Jensen came back from a three-day trip to Houston and the housekeeper took a few days of vacation, the house looked like something that should have been condemned. Jared had to pay extra for the housekeeper to get some other people in to help her. It was gross.
5. The way Jared is constantly on the phone – with his agent, with his dogsitter, with his friends, but especially with his family. Jensen just doesn’t get that; he’s close to his family, sure, but he’s not calling them all the damn time. Jared seems to talk to his mom or dad every single day, and his brother and sister at least once a week, if not two or three times. It’s abnormal.
Plus, all this family love crap means that they call Jared, too. All The Damn Time. It’s like they expect Jared to pick up the phone no matter what he’s doing, what time of day it is, whether he’s working or has some precious time off.
And if they call one more goddamned time while Jared is “busy” and Jared answers it, Jensen is going to be out for blood.
6. There are a couple of things that Jensen really likes about Jared, however. Jared’s hands. The way he kisses. The way his dick always hits Jensen’s prostate, no matter what position they’re fucking in. The way Jared eagerly rolls over and lets Jensen fuck his ass. His grin, even though it’s honestly more silly than sexy.
Jensen loves the way that mouth, which can’t ever stop talking and babbles on and on and fucking on, can say the hottest, dirtiest goddamned things in bed. The way Jared’s voice says things like “Come for me, now” and “Gonna fuck you all night” and “Shit, that’s a big dick, give it to me” and the way he moans... Yeah, Jensen likes that all right.
He also gets a lot of enjoyment out of the way Jared doesn’t ever mind getting dirty, doesn’t hesitate a bit about getting sweaty and gross. He likes being covered with come – his own, Jensen’s, whatever. He likes it when Jensen fucks him in the middle of the day and doesn’t leave him time to shower, and he has to walk around with dry, flaking spunk on his ass and belly for hours. He loves it when they stop using condoms and Jared lets Jensen fuck him, fill his ass full of come, and then shove a plug inside, and feel it slippery and wet all day.
Yeah, that’s nice.
Jensen really fucking loves the way Jared sucks his cock down like a popsicle, licking and swirling his tongue around like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. He treats Jensen’s whole body like a delicacy, like a treat, sometimes cramming as much as possible in his mouth and sometimes savouring it slowly with lips, tongue, and teeth. Jared is the most oral person Jensen has ever been in bed with. It’s amazing.
Even though he will never ever change his mind about Jared’s taste, that horrible music has at least taught Jared enough about rhythm that he can keep up a good, steady beat. He can maintain the same exact tempo while he’s fucking, and go for ages, until they’re both nearly crazy to come, before he lets go and they both lose control. Jensen will grudgingly admit that all of the prefabricated machine-made techno crap has at least that one (very minor) benefit. Under duress.
And all the working out that makes Jared so extraordinarily stinky and sweaty has given him impressive strength. He can hold Jensen steady in the shower, up against a wall, or crouch over Jensen and fuck himself on Jensen’s dick for what feels like hours. The thighs on that boy, the abs, the arms... Jensen likes to trace the muscles with his tongue, feeling the ridges and grooves like some kind of porny, oral Braille. The guy’s body is a fucking amazing piece of work, and it’s hard to believe he’s the same guy as that gangly, too-tall kid Jensen met just a few years ago. Now his body just oozes sex, and between the oral fixation and the playfulness, Jensen would have had to be an idiot to turn down sex.
Fantastic, amazing, wonderful, creative, hot, dirty, messy, loud, endless, crazy hot sex. And Jensen’s no idiot.
Jared’s shoes still totally reek, though.
the end
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Author:
salixbabylonPairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17 ish
Word Count: 1283
Disclaimer: No offense meant at all to the real guys. This is just fiction, people.
Summary: Jared’s habits and quirks and slovenly ways bug the shit out of Jensen. Most of the time. (Prompt was "smelly sneakers.")
Notes: Thank you gift to
tularia for her art, extra long for her awesome assistance in betaing Relationships 201. Huge thanks to sarka for the on-demand beta of this little story!(and a few that he doesn’t hate so very much)
1. Jared’s smelly sneakers. Seriously, the stench is so amazingly bad that sometimes Jensen is actually surprised that he can’t see a toxic greenish-yellow cloud hovering over them. In fact, all of Jared’s sweating is pretty goddamned gross, and he doesn’t understand how it is that no doctors have ever found anything wrong with Jared, because that shit can’t be natural, no matter what Jared says. (Yes, Jensen asked. What? He drips sweat, even in the middle of Vancouver winter!)
The sneakers, though... Jensen’s smelled real rotten eggs, changed his nephew’s diapers, and once had to scoop up some roadkill from the sidewalk outside his grandma’s house in the Texas summer heat. Jared’s sneakers still win, hands-down.
2. Jared’s abysmally bad taste in music – the guy plays “Days Go By and Still I Think of You” while he’s hanging out at home. He plays pop and dance and rap and teenage girls singing about their everlasting teen love and boy bands, for the love of God!
Jensen did not sign up for this. This is so far beyond the pale that he’s reconsidered their friendship several times, on the basis of Jared’s musical choices alone. No, he’s not that shallow, but seriously, this is not indicative of someone with anything resembling good taste – or even consistent bad taste. It’s gotten so bad that every time Jared likes a song or band that Jensen likes, he starts to wonder if maybe it’s actually crap, because if Jared likes it, it must be.
It’s just sad, really.
3. The fact that Jared eats candy and junk food like a ten year old boy. He would eat steak and burgers and fries and bubble tape and gummi worms twenty-four hours a day if he could, and he can, which is so fucking unfair that it makes Jensen want to punch him right in his overstuffed-yet-still-somehow-flat belly. The guy never eats vegetables or fruit except as an afterthought, if they’re the only thing left on the table or someone reminds him that he could die of scurvy or malnutrition.
And then he has the nerve to tease Jensen about being old - which has been a bit of sore point ever since Jensen’s 29th birthday - just because he has Normal Human Metabolism and isn’t a giant freak!
The next time Jared cooks a package of bacon on Sunday and eats the whole damn thing himself, Jensen is going to smack him, seriously. And when Jared dies of a heart attack at thirty-five, Jensen is going to laugh and laugh.
4. Jared is a complete fucking slob. Jensen knew Jared was a slob when he was just a visitor at the house, a friend hanging out, but it really took them moving in together for it to become clear just how truly awful Jared is. Having a housekeeper is not a luxury for Jared so much as a necessity to keep the department of sanitation from arresting him for creating an unlicensed dump. He doubts Jared has ever taken out the trash without his mama yelling at him to do so, has never vacuumed the rugs, and has definitely never scrubbed a toilet in his entire life.
Sometimes Jensen thinks Mama Padalecki was a little too lenient on her baby boy. When Jensen came back from a three-day trip to Houston and the housekeeper took a few days of vacation, the house looked like something that should have been condemned. Jared had to pay extra for the housekeeper to get some other people in to help her. It was gross.
5. The way Jared is constantly on the phone – with his agent, with his dogsitter, with his friends, but especially with his family. Jensen just doesn’t get that; he’s close to his family, sure, but he’s not calling them all the damn time. Jared seems to talk to his mom or dad every single day, and his brother and sister at least once a week, if not two or three times. It’s abnormal.
Plus, all this family love crap means that they call Jared, too. All The Damn Time. It’s like they expect Jared to pick up the phone no matter what he’s doing, what time of day it is, whether he’s working or has some precious time off.
And if they call one more goddamned time while Jared is “busy” and Jared answers it, Jensen is going to be out for blood.
6. There are a couple of things that Jensen really likes about Jared, however. Jared’s hands. The way he kisses. The way his dick always hits Jensen’s prostate, no matter what position they’re fucking in. The way Jared eagerly rolls over and lets Jensen fuck his ass. His grin, even though it’s honestly more silly than sexy.
Jensen loves the way that mouth, which can’t ever stop talking and babbles on and on and fucking on, can say the hottest, dirtiest goddamned things in bed. The way Jared’s voice says things like “Come for me, now” and “Gonna fuck you all night” and “Shit, that’s a big dick, give it to me” and the way he moans... Yeah, Jensen likes that all right.
He also gets a lot of enjoyment out of the way Jared doesn’t ever mind getting dirty, doesn’t hesitate a bit about getting sweaty and gross. He likes being covered with come – his own, Jensen’s, whatever. He likes it when Jensen fucks him in the middle of the day and doesn’t leave him time to shower, and he has to walk around with dry, flaking spunk on his ass and belly for hours. He loves it when they stop using condoms and Jared lets Jensen fuck him, fill his ass full of come, and then shove a plug inside, and feel it slippery and wet all day.
Yeah, that’s nice.
Jensen really fucking loves the way Jared sucks his cock down like a popsicle, licking and swirling his tongue around like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. He treats Jensen’s whole body like a delicacy, like a treat, sometimes cramming as much as possible in his mouth and sometimes savouring it slowly with lips, tongue, and teeth. Jared is the most oral person Jensen has ever been in bed with. It’s amazing.
Even though he will never ever change his mind about Jared’s taste, that horrible music has at least taught Jared enough about rhythm that he can keep up a good, steady beat. He can maintain the same exact tempo while he’s fucking, and go for ages, until they’re both nearly crazy to come, before he lets go and they both lose control. Jensen will grudgingly admit that all of the prefabricated machine-made techno crap has at least that one (very minor) benefit. Under duress.
And all the working out that makes Jared so extraordinarily stinky and sweaty has given him impressive strength. He can hold Jensen steady in the shower, up against a wall, or crouch over Jensen and fuck himself on Jensen’s dick for what feels like hours. The thighs on that boy, the abs, the arms... Jensen likes to trace the muscles with his tongue, feeling the ridges and grooves like some kind of porny, oral Braille. The guy’s body is a fucking amazing piece of work, and it’s hard to believe he’s the same guy as that gangly, too-tall kid Jensen met just a few years ago. Now his body just oozes sex, and between the oral fixation and the playfulness, Jensen would have had to be an idiot to turn down sex.
Fantastic, amazing, wonderful, creative, hot, dirty, messy, loud, endless, crazy hot sex. And Jensen’s no idiot.
Jared’s shoes still totally reek, though.
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