long disjointed ramble

[salixbabylon]

Last night my brain was just going a billion miles per hour instead of falling asleep. I've been reading a lot of various fics lately and trying to sort out my head and life is getting confusing, with everything overlapping.

I doubt this will make much sense to anyone else, but I just need to dump some of this out.

I reread jasmineskie's "Future Perfect" a few days ago and was totally struck dumb by the following bit: "They each knew what the other wanted, what made the other feel good, and what made the other feel un-fucking-believably fantastic. Sometimes they pounded each other into the mattress, hard and hot and loud. Other times, like tonight, the burn started slowly with a tingling in the lips, the rough, slick texture of tongue on tongue, the soft touch of fingertips on heated skin."

That's everything I ever wanted. And I haven't the slightest idea how to get it back. And I wonder now if I ever really had it... *mope*

I've also been reading chaosmanor's "Perchance" series, now that I've found out that there's more than two chapters. It has het, but it's well done het, not MarySueish at all, and I guess I'm not a purist. But you knew that, since I not only read but recced the ent/elf slash fic. ;)

Anyway, it's a really brilliantly done story, and part of it just ripped me apart and then put me back together again.

*MASSIVE SPOILERS WARNING - SKIP IF YOU'VE NOT READ THE FIC AND PLAN TO SOMEDAY*

There's a scene of domestic violence in one of the chapters, and then a slow re-building of the relationship in following chapters. And it made me feel like someone else has been through similar/worse, and worked out, learned how to trust again, and had a happy ending. And maybe I can to.

And no, the situation isn't at all the same, on the surface. I'm not a paraplegic and I've never been hit. But I was still weak from illness and in pain from ovarian cysts and grieving from the death of a family member, and I felt betrayed and helpless and like such a fool for staying, but not ready to leave. And I haven't been so successful at learning to trust again, but maybe if I can find some hope that it will work, it won't be so terrifying to try.

Anyway, it's made me feel like even though this is hard, there is a possibility for it getting better in the end. And a bit like maybe someone else has been through this, too, and had it work out.

*END OF SPOILERS*

And finally, to prove how over-emotional I'm being (when is my period due? - this has got to be massive PMS), we were watching Animal Planet while we ate dinner and there was a baby rhinoceros playing with a baby elephant and I just started weeping because it was too cute.

GEH

And to top it all off off, last night I had a flashback to being back in the hospital, feeling the glorious shimmer of morphine coursing up my arm, into my bloodstream, into my heart and brain and not so much taking the pain away as making it completely inconsequential, something happening to another body, far far away...

It's funny how as the anniversary of it approaches, the more nervous I get. I know intellectually that getting meningitis -again- is highly unlikely, but there's this basic profound doubt lodged in my brain now, that my body is healthy. If a regular old virus could turn into a life-threatening illness that it took me 4 months to recover from... It's hard to believe that future colds and such won't be a nightmare too. The other day it was windy and I got a horrible sinus headache. I -knew- it was a sinus headache, but the pain was so overwhelming I just started crying, terrified that the pain would get worse and worse and turn into a migraine that wasn't really a migraine but was my brain swelling again.

I feel like my foundation has ben shaken, and I don't know how to stabilize it. I suppose focusing on being healthy...

I always get like this around my birthday season... Autumn coolness both invigorates me and makes me more contemplative. :P As if I needed more navel gazing.

This weekend, I'm breaking out those poems and my art supplies, and I'm going to try painting. See if I can release some of this swirling emotion in color.