salixbabylon | my angst isn't angsty enough (Reply)

I've been writing a billion LJ posts in my head as I drive to and from work, but they're all just babble and don't amount to much in the end anyway. Raining today, and that's always a nice surprise in June in California.

1. I hate my job. No, for reals. I am being totally micromanaged and I hate it. I was given a slight raise and title change, but no actual power to get anything done. But I'm scared because I don't think I'm going to like having a library job better, either. But I should still try. Have to focus on not letting fear stun me into immobility. It's just hard to get motivated to find a new job when I don't *want* a job, I *want* to do something I love. Somewhere where I don't have to convince myself not to call in sick every single bloody morning, the way I do now.

2. My adrenals still aren't working so great. Tried to exercise/walked for 30 minutes on Wednesday and got so tired and head-achey and cranky and miserable. Naturopath says not to do that, try only 15 minutes of walking, and is putting me on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome supplements to try and get things going again. CFS scares the crap out of me, as I once dated a boy with it, and he was ill for years.

3. Did a round of acupuncture at the naturopath appointment and totally spaced out... But went to a kind of bad mental place, thinking about desire and physical attraction, and my fears in those situations that I think stem very directly from being abused by my stepfather. So annoying/frustrating/disappointing to only now be dealing with repressed feelings of anger and shame and confusion from over 15 years ago.

And I can't even bring myself to hate the man. I never liked him; I think he's creepy; I think what he did to me is beyond reprehensible, but... It's myself I'm upset with for never fighting back, just lying there and closing my mind off completely... I know, I know, how bloody typical. Knowing doesn't make the feelings stop, though. BLECH.

4. Seem to be doing a fucking GREAT job of avoiding my semi-yearly massive struggle with summer depression. :P Need to find something to be happy about. Which is dumb, because I have a house, a job, a wonderful husband, the best Dog EVER, and I'm going for a vacation in July and to the UK in September for 3 weeks, and I have friends who love me and and and. And my angst really truly ISN'T angsty enough.

5. Diet is going ok, as least the eating-better-food part. The body-image part is just abysmal though, and I hate how I look and probably ought to see a therapist about it, since I know it's got a lot to do with punishing myself for letting my body get so out of control. And other things related to #3. But therapy takes time and I'm TIRED.

6. And have been a Bad Witch lately... Willing to do rituals and magic for everyone else, but not willing to do what I need for myself. Keep having images/dreams of a certain ritual (to help with #3 and #5), but it involves a man I've had confusing feelings for/about and, well, I haven't felt like I had the energy to wade into that emotional mess and unravel it.

7. So Fucking Bloody Tired. Always.