my angst isn't angsty enough

[salixbabylon]

I've been writing a billion LJ posts in my head as I drive to and from work, but they're all just babble and don't amount to much in the end anyway. Raining today, and that's always a nice surprise in June in California.

1. I hate my job. No, for reals. I am being totally micromanaged and I hate it. I was given a slight raise and title change, but no actual power to get anything done. But I'm scared because I don't think I'm going to like having a library job better, either. But I should still try. Have to focus on not letting fear stun me into immobility. It's just hard to get motivated to find a new job when I don't *want* a job, I *want* to do something I love. Somewhere where I don't have to convince myself not to call in sick every single bloody morning, the way I do now.

2. My adrenals still aren't working so great. Tried to exercise/walked for 30 minutes on Wednesday and got so tired and head-achey and cranky and miserable. Naturopath says not to do that, try only 15 minutes of walking, and is putting me on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome supplements to try and get things going again. CFS scares the crap out of me, as I once dated a boy with it, and he was ill for years.

3. Did a round of acupuncture at the naturopath appointment and totally spaced out... But went to a kind of bad mental place, thinking about desire and physical attraction, and my fears in those situations that I think stem very directly from being abused by my stepfather. So annoying/frustrating/disappointing to only now be dealing with repressed feelings of anger and shame and confusion from over 15 years ago.

And I can't even bring myself to hate the man. I never liked him; I think he's creepy; I think what he did to me is beyond reprehensible, but... It's myself I'm upset with for never fighting back, just lying there and closing my mind off completely... I know, I know, how bloody typical. Knowing doesn't make the feelings stop, though. BLECH.

4. Seem to be doing a fucking GREAT job of avoiding my semi-yearly massive struggle with summer depression. :P Need to find something to be happy about. Which is dumb, because I have a house, a job, a wonderful husband, the best Dog EVER, and I'm going for a vacation in July and to the UK in September for 3 weeks, and I have friends who love me and and and. And my angst really truly ISN'T angsty enough.

5. Diet is going ok, as least the eating-better-food part. The body-image part is just abysmal though, and I hate how I look and probably ought to see a therapist about it, since I know it's got a lot to do with punishing myself for letting my body get so out of control. And other things related to #3. But therapy takes time and I'm TIRED.

6. And have been a Bad Witch lately... Willing to do rituals and magic for everyone else, but not willing to do what I need for myself. Keep having images/dreams of a certain ritual (to help with #3 and #5), but it involves a man I've had confusing feelings for/about and, well, I haven't felt like I had the energy to wade into that emotional mess and unravel it.

7. So Fucking Bloody Tired. Always.

Comments

[marlinadietrich.livejournal.com]

#3: You too? I still can't figure out what to do with all that stuff myself... compounded by the fact that I don't know whether anything actually happened to me. Ah well. I sympathize. It's terrible trying to have a normal relationship with that in the past.

#4: Ooh, the UK! Darnit, I miss the UK. Whereabouts are you going?

#5: How does one get into the magic scene over here? I mean, paganism seems to be turning very capitalist recently, and I have little to no money.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hug* Very sorry to hear about #3. I think I'm going to get back in touch with my therapist about it. Blech.

UK - London mostly, with some side trips to Bath, Stonehenge, Stratford-upon-Avon, and a bit of time with an old friend near Manchester. :)

Getting into the pagan scene can be difficult... Around here, it's easiest to make contacts by finding a local pagan/metaphysical bookstore and checking out the bulletin board. You can also try www.witchvox.com which has public listings of individuals and organizations by geographic area. Hippie-crunchy food stores sometimes also have contacts, if there aren't any bookstores at all. You still in Yellow Springs?

[miladyhawke.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about everything, sweetie. *hugs*

About #4, isn't this a weird time of the year for it? I have the same problem every summer, and it always amazes me, because one would think that the winter would be more likely to get one down. Weird.

[sileya.livejournal.com]

*blink*

Wow. We could be the same person. How eerie. If you ever want to chat/rant/sob, feel free to email, AIM or YIM me, hon. And I'll see you in July.

*hug*

[sarafoop.livejournal.com]

Ok, here goes.
Your job really sucks... as in sucks the life out of you. It was a decent job when you started by the University has been in taking-away mode for years. Pay increases are non existant, benefits suck more every year, and I won't even get into how the many who suck and never do anything are totally riding on the backs of the few who have integrity and actually do work. So I totally support the idea of you getting another job, even if it's not something you totally love. I think a little experimenting in the career realm is a good thing, and you've never really had the opportunity to do it.
Aw crap, I had more to say but Kaia just woke up from her nap.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Thanks *hug*

Yeah, I always found it weird that summer is when I get depressed. My therapist said it's not that uncommon, especially for people who had depressing childhoods and liked school much better than being at home, for whatever reason. YMMV of course.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'd hate to have anyone else feel like I do now. At least you got a new, better job - that gives me some hope! :)

YM - salixbabylon
AIM - salixbabylon01

:)

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you for all your love and support for the last, what, 7 years? It was a good job. It's not anymore. It's nice to hear what someone outside the system thinks, since you can see more clearly than I. *hugs again*

[miladyhawke.livejournal.com]

Wow! I never had any idea why this might be so (I've been in therapy plenty of times before, but I never thought to bring up the summer depression thing). I did have a very bad, scary childhood (my mom still seriously threatens to commit a triple murder-suicide from time to time :D), and I was definitely happier in school than I have been out in the real world. I'm still not sure why exactly summer is the bad season, but it's nice to know that this isn't all that unusual. Does make me feel a bit better. Thanks, hon. *big hugs*

[andolinn.livejournal.com]

Yes, alright, I think I see why you don't like angst in your fics. I kind of feel the same way - RL provides enough trauma drama.

I've been meaning to respond to this for days, but I'm not even sure where to start. Let me just say; I think that where you are in dealing with the abuse from your stepfather is where you are. Blaming yourself for not being ready to deal with something that traumatic earlier is not fair. And it's good that you are ready. I wonder if maybe dealing with that won't help with some of the other problems.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you went through that and I hope that you can work through it.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Yay! Another one for less angst. ;)

As for where I am being where I am - that's good advice. You're right - I'm dealing with it as I can and shouldn't expect more of myself.

And *hugs* and thank you.

[marlinadietrich.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice. I just checked back through my inbox and realized that I never replied to it!