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meta morning
Mar. 25th, 2007 10:42 amFor some reason my f-list's posts this morning while I was drinking my tea made me think again about the big question of why I've never been a BFG or a well-known writer or even just a generically popular online persona.
I think it comes down to be being too mellow for fandoms.
I hate flame wars and avoid them. I don't read them out of prurient interest. I don't care who called whom a backstabbing bitch or who was accused of plagiarism and whether it's true or not. I maintain the policy that if fewer people would get involved, the flames would die down faster. I refuse to fan them myself.
I also don't worship BNFs. If I'm really awed by someone's writing, I do tend to gush a bit in email or LJ comments, but I don't tag along after them and gush about everything they write. I maintain that someone can write a story that really resonates with me and I think is brilliant, and also write some kind of crappy fics. I won't lie and say I thought the crappy fics were brilliant. I don't think anyone on the planet only produces brilliant work.
I also don't make Best Friends with people online very fast. Furthermore, once I am close friends with someone, I don't automatically hate everyone they get into a catfight with. If I'm BFFs with Doris and she and Mildred get into a brawl, I'm not going to automatically hate Mildred and tell everyone I know that they should hate her too. Besides, maybe Doris is wrong. I try to be supportive and loving to my friends, but that doesn't mean I can't see that occasionally they might be petty or judgmental or just plain wrong about something. That's ok - sometimes I'm petty and mean and make mistakes too. I still love my friends even when I think they're making asses out of themselves. I hope for the same patience from them, along with a subtle "You might consider that you're not right about this" once I can take hearing that without flying off the handle.
Also, sometimes I disagree with my friends. Maybe Gertrude thought "Troy" was the best movie ever. I thought it sucked. I will always think Colin Firth is unattractive. I don't like most scifi. I don't like babies or weddings/commitment ceremonies in my porn. I'm not into big muscly men. I like pale pretty boys, preferably in schoolboy uniforms. I think the straight women who are allergic to het have some issues about their own sexuality to work out. I have opinions, and when I disagree with someone about them, I try to be respectful and then redirect the conversation. We don't have to agree about everything. How could we broaden each others' horizons if we did?
When I stopped writing so much VigOrli and went back to writing HP, my ego took a huge blow. In HP, I don't have many readers and definitely no fans. I haven't put the effort into crossposting my fics all over the place or in commenting on every fic I read in hopes that the authors will come and check me out. I do fee a little sad to know that the majority of my recent work, whether it's 50kw or HP or whatever, isn't being read. I feel like I've matured as a writer and that I'm getting better, and it's a little sad to be mostly known for works that are 2+ years old and not for anything since.
But I've also realized that I just don't care enough about being a BNF to ever be one. I'm not a worshiper-of-BNFs or a best-friend-maker or a flame warrior. I'm ok with being obscure, even though I do feel under-appreciated some days. I'm not saying I'm "above it all" - I'd like to be popular again. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, and I do want that.
But I'm so much more comfortable with who I am than pretending to be someone I'm not. Wanting to be a BNF and not being one doesn't frustrate me as much anymore. I know that my writing skills will continue to improve and that someday they will be appreciated. Maybe I'll become a novelist. Maybe writing will make me a more eloquent speaker.
Maybe it will teach me to let go of attachment to outcome and to focus on the joy of writing, just for myself.
I didn't mean for this to turn into such a long post. It was just kind of a where-I-am-right-now-in-my-head diary thing.
I think it comes down to be being too mellow for fandoms.
I hate flame wars and avoid them. I don't read them out of prurient interest. I don't care who called whom a backstabbing bitch or who was accused of plagiarism and whether it's true or not. I maintain the policy that if fewer people would get involved, the flames would die down faster. I refuse to fan them myself.
I also don't worship BNFs. If I'm really awed by someone's writing, I do tend to gush a bit in email or LJ comments, but I don't tag along after them and gush about everything they write. I maintain that someone can write a story that really resonates with me and I think is brilliant, and also write some kind of crappy fics. I won't lie and say I thought the crappy fics were brilliant. I don't think anyone on the planet only produces brilliant work.
I also don't make Best Friends with people online very fast. Furthermore, once I am close friends with someone, I don't automatically hate everyone they get into a catfight with. If I'm BFFs with Doris and she and Mildred get into a brawl, I'm not going to automatically hate Mildred and tell everyone I know that they should hate her too. Besides, maybe Doris is wrong. I try to be supportive and loving to my friends, but that doesn't mean I can't see that occasionally they might be petty or judgmental or just plain wrong about something. That's ok - sometimes I'm petty and mean and make mistakes too. I still love my friends even when I think they're making asses out of themselves. I hope for the same patience from them, along with a subtle "You might consider that you're not right about this" once I can take hearing that without flying off the handle.
Also, sometimes I disagree with my friends. Maybe Gertrude thought "Troy" was the best movie ever. I thought it sucked. I will always think Colin Firth is unattractive. I don't like most scifi. I don't like babies or weddings/commitment ceremonies in my porn. I'm not into big muscly men. I like pale pretty boys, preferably in schoolboy uniforms. I think the straight women who are allergic to het have some issues about their own sexuality to work out. I have opinions, and when I disagree with someone about them, I try to be respectful and then redirect the conversation. We don't have to agree about everything. How could we broaden each others' horizons if we did?
When I stopped writing so much VigOrli and went back to writing HP, my ego took a huge blow. In HP, I don't have many readers and definitely no fans. I haven't put the effort into crossposting my fics all over the place or in commenting on every fic I read in hopes that the authors will come and check me out. I do fee a little sad to know that the majority of my recent work, whether it's 50kw or HP or whatever, isn't being read. I feel like I've matured as a writer and that I'm getting better, and it's a little sad to be mostly known for works that are 2+ years old and not for anything since.
But I've also realized that I just don't care enough about being a BNF to ever be one. I'm not a worshiper-of-BNFs or a best-friend-maker or a flame warrior. I'm ok with being obscure, even though I do feel under-appreciated some days. I'm not saying I'm "above it all" - I'd like to be popular again. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, and I do want that.
But I'm so much more comfortable with who I am than pretending to be someone I'm not. Wanting to be a BNF and not being one doesn't frustrate me as much anymore. I know that my writing skills will continue to improve and that someday they will be appreciated. Maybe I'll become a novelist. Maybe writing will make me a more eloquent speaker.
Maybe it will teach me to let go of attachment to outcome and to focus on the joy of writing, just for myself.
I didn't mean for this to turn into such a long post. It was just kind of a where-I-am-right-now-in-my-head diary thing.
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