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salixbabylonTitle: Virulentus Somnium
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
salixbabylon
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Harry/Severus
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word Count: around 37,000 total
Disclaimer: Characters and places in this story, which appear in the Harry Potter novels, belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros. and Scholastic. I don't make, or intend to make money out of them. They just wouldn't leave me alone
Summary: Two years after graduation, Harry's having nightmares at Hogwarts. Who will wake him up?
Previous Chapters
Part 9
1 AM, Day 7
The bottle of port was empty and Severus was deep into melancholy.
Somehow, I can't let go of these feelings. I know this isn't right and I know it's not good for either of us. But I want it.
More than anything I've ever wanted. More than anyone. Even more than...
I thought that I knew love, before. But if this is love, and I know it is, then that one clearly wasn't. Or at least was a quite different, more pale kind of love. A love where I wanted him, wanted to have him, possess him, own him...
I just want Harry to be happy. Whole. Even if that means he wouldn't be with me. Which it will.
The other love was all about what I needed. This is about what Harry needs.
This cannot possibly work out. I can't love him like this. I don't love; I tarnish things. Ruin people. Harry can't love me. Whatever he's feeling is just gratitude and lust. I won't pretend that that is love.
This must end. If it goes on much longer, it will simply hurt worse. Hurt him... I don't want to hurt him.
What would hurt more, a love never quite born or one that's been murdered?
It doesn't matter. I can't do this. I can't love him and let him pretend to love me and wait until he discovers that he was wrong.
Gods, this hurts. This time I swear I truly will never love anyone again. I mean it this time. Last time I swore that, I hadn't tasted real love.
Now I know it will always taste of Harry...
*****
Noon, Day 7
The snow that had fallen a few days ago had mostly melted away over the paths. Harry woke up late, feeling lethargic and sick. Less in body and more in soul. Heavy and grey, as if his head was full of nasty black slime, weighing him down.
I knew it wasn't just some fucking curse. I knew most of it was me. Me and my sick desires.
He shuddered, thinking of Tom Riddle, and decided to go for a walk to escape. He dressed as warmly as he could and cast a heating charm on his clothes, needing to get out of the castle and stay out for as long as possible. Trudging through the snowy grounds, he decided to head for Hogsmeade.
I knew he could never really want me. Now that it's over and the curse is gone... Of course he wouldn't. He was probably just trying to show me that my touch isn't actually lethal. It was just educational to him. He was only helping me. It was just sex.
Why did I think it was anything more? Wasn't it just sex to me? Why did I think that I loved him? Of course it was just sex. God, I'm such a fool, kidding myself into thinking it was anything more. So naive.
Not like that's a surprise. Of course I'm naive; I haven't had any past experience in this kind of thing. Still...
Why did I want it to be more than sex? I'm such a stupid romantic idiot. Just because it felt so nice to be with him. In his bed.
No - in his arms. Or just sharing his company.
But that's just because he was taking care of me, making me feel safe. I'm confusing gratitude with love.
Am I?
Doesn't matter anyway. He never let us talk about it. And now it's over. He doesn't even want to see me. He practically asked me to leave his rooms. It's all over now that I'm "cured."
Harry found that his feet had walked him all the way to the door of the Three Broomsticks, so he went inside. At the bar he ordered a glass of port without thinking about it.
Rosmerta have him a surprised look. "Port? Are you sure? That's usually a different professor's drink. How about an Irish coffee, as you look like you've been out walking?"
Harry cursed himself inwardly. "All right, both please," he compromised, and carried his drinks over to a table in the corner.
He downed the coffee-laced whisky to warm up and then sipped at the port, staring off into space, growing more and more sullen as he became inebriated. He hardly noticed the shadow that fell over him before someone sat down at his table.
He scowled at Snape, stubbornly waiting for him to talk first.
"Harry..." the sensual voice rumbled, and Harry felt his body shiver with anticipation.
Damn it, no! I will not let myself give in to this. He's not even doing anything on purpose. I refuse to be so out of control. Go away! Just leave me alone.
"You don't need to watch out for me anymore," he said resentfully.
Snape's eyebrows quirked. "I know that."
"Why-" Harry clamped his mouth shut on the string of questions threatening to flood out. Why did you help me? Why did you even want to? Why did you touch me? Why are you the only person who knows me and now you're pushing me away? Why did you act like you cared about me? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much?
He realized his chest was heaving with the effort of not saying anything. His eyes stung and burned, but he clenched his jaw and refused to let any tears fall. He was done with that now.
Stop being so overemotional. Just accept it. It was nothing. Now get out of here before you say anything, he told himself.
Snape watched him struggle to not speak, and then clumsily shove back his chair and lurch to his feet. When Harry started to put on his coat, Snape got up. "May I accompany you back? I presume you're intelligent enough to not try to Apparate in that condition."
Walk back to the castle with Snape? After last night? "No thanks. I'd rather be alone."
Harry didn't see the hurt expression that flashed across the other man's face as he turned and wove towards the door, fumbling with gloves, muffler, and hat.
A hand caught his elbow just as he wrenched open the door. "Nonetheless, I insist on seeing you safely back home," said the familiarly biting Potions Master's voice, allowing for no disagreement.
"And I said, I don't need you to watch out for me!" Harry shouted as they stepped outside and the icy twilight wind whipped the ends of his muffler into Snape's face.
"Want it or not, I'm not leaving you to stagger home drunk in the dark and get frozen to death, you idiot boy!" he snarled, gripping Harry's arm.
Harry shrugged him off. "Right, now you touch me. Fine then," he grumbled, and started off through the slushy streets.
Snape stood for a moment, as if stunned, before rushing to catch up.
*****
4 PM, Day 7
They walked in silence through Hogsmeade, past the empty fields between the castle and the village, and were nearing Hogwarts grounds when Snape's boot hit an icy patch of the road and he lost his footing.
Without thinking, Harry's wand was in his hand and Mobilicorpus was on his lips.
Snape managed to look both grateful and put-out as Harry lowered him back to a standing position. "You didn't have to do that."
"No? I should have let you fall and break something? You didn't have to walk back with me in the first place," Harry retorted.
Snape scowled. "Yes, I did. You could have-"
"Been hurt? Fallen?" Harry rolled his eyes. "I don't need you to take care of me. Severus, when are you going to realize that I'm an adult? I know I'm young but I'm not a child anymore."
Snape made a noise that sounded an awful lot like a snort. "You're not even twenty yet."
Harry rounded on him, eyes flashing with anger. "And how old were you when you joined Voldemort?"
The older man flinched.
"That's what I thought," Harry said. "And at the time did you feel like anything less than an adult?"
Snape thought for a long moment before answering, his honesty obviously taking an effort. "No. But. I was wrong. I was far too young to make the choices I made."
"If you had chosen not to join him, would you have thought you were also too young? Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you can blame it on being young. Everyone chooses. At all ages."
Snape regarded him with raised brows. Harry wondered if he was getting too philosophical. The alcohol was starting to wear off in the cold, but maybe he wasn't making sense.
"I know I can't say anything that will make you believe me. And lately, with the curse..." Harry cleared his throat and looked at his shoes. "I've been so... Depressed. And needy." He cleared his throat again and plowed ahead, grateful he was still tipsy enough to force the words out against his better judgment. "I needed you. But I didn't feel like a child. Especially in your bed. Ever." He forces his gaze up to meet Snape's eyes.
They burned into his, flashing even in the growing darkness. Intense. Harry began to feel quite warm, in fact.
Shape's smooth voice answered, "I didn't think of you as one. I just wanted..." He paused, finding the right words. "To protect you. To help you." Harry forgot to breathe as Snape added, "Wanted you."
"Did that change?" Harry asked quietly. "Because I still want you."
There was a long silence. Harry's shoes reclaimed his attention. He noticed he was getting cold and that it was now completely dark. The lights of the Hogwarts gates were not far off, but the two men stood surrounded by shadows.
Harry's chest felt like a hippogriff was sitting on it. After a long silence, he blinked rapidly and nodded. "All right. I'm sorry," he said, forcing his voice to sound calm. "It's really over then." He turned away and began to head towards the gates.
There was a crunch of snow behind him. "No." Snape's voice was somehow both faltering and emphatic and Harry found himself crushed in a tight embrace.
"No. Please," Severus whispered brokenly. "Not over. Just.. I'm too old for you. Not what you need," he pleaded, as if trying to convince them both.
Harry's irritation flashed back, even while caught in the delicious embrace. "Stop it. You don't get to make my decisions for me," he argued, as he turned and pressed his lips to Severus'.
They stood in the dark, kissing slowly, for several long minutes. As his body began to respond, Harry started to wonder if they were going to make it back to the castle at all. Adrenaline-fueled lust flashed through in him in a fiery wave, consuming him from the inside out. Before he could become embarrassed by it, he pressed up against Severus, feeling an answering hardness pressing into his stomach as his erection met the taller man's thigh.
"Let's go home," Severus whispered.
*****
5 PM, Day 7
The walk across the Hogwarts grounds was the longest Harry could ever remember. They held hands and occasionally stopped for a hurried kiss, making their way across the snow as quickly as was safe. Self-consciously, they let go of each other once they got close enough to the castle that someone might seem them. Harry wasn't sure whether to feel relieved that they were maintaining their privacy or hurt that Severus might be ashamed of what others would think. Mostly though, he wasn't thinking much and was pleased with the notion of relinquishing control and letting his body be in charge for once.
After an eternity in which Harry learned how uncomfortable it could be to walk for such a distance with an erection, they reached the dungeons.
Severus stopped as they neared Harry's door. "I don't know exactly what you want or what we're going to do, but whose rooms would you be most comfortable in?"
"Yours," Harry answered without hesitating. "Mine are cold and sterile and I hate them. Yours at least feel like a home."
Severus nodded and they continued to his chambers. Harry started to step back so he could undo his locking spells in private, but Severus held his hand tight and said the words out loud, implicitly giving Harry access to his rooms. Harry was touched by the amount of trust this implied, as well as pleased, given how much he had recently trusted Severus with his own secrets.
As they entered, Harry began to quiver with fear as well as desire, in more or less equal parts. He found himself torn between wanting to take things slowly and seeing what happened, and throwing himself at the other man.
Still undecided, Harry's body told his brain to shut the hell up and launched itself at the taller man, who also stood hesitating near the door. His hands reached to pull Severus down by the neck, pressing his body against the other man, kissing him deeply and clearly communicating his desire.
After a few moments of feverish kissing, Severus pulled back and started to speak but Harry interrupted him. "No. I want this. I want you. Come what may, I want this and I know you want me. Don't you?" The other man nodded without hesitating, and Harry moved in for another intense kiss. "Then stop thinking and take me to bed. Please."
Coats, mufflers, and winter robes fell to the ground, shoes and boots were kicked off as they groped their way blindly to the bedroom. Severus pulled back from Harry's kisses long enough to flick his wand at the fireplace and a few candles while Harry shrugged out of his jumper, shirt, and socks. He blushed at the reverent expression on his lover's face as he looked at Harry's body, but the flush was one of anticipation rather than embarrassment this time.
Severus hadn't said a word and seemed to be hesitant; Harry suspected that he was uncertain still. He sat on the bed, pulling Severus with him, moving backwards until he was lying on his back with the other man straddling his hips. Harry's hands explored his body, feeling his warmth through the thin fabric of his shirt, the muscles of his chest, hard nipples, shoulders, down his arms, and began to undo the cufflinks at Severus' wrists.
His concentration on the cufflinks and buttons was so thorough that he didn't notice the amusement on Severus' face until he had pushed the shirt away and thrown it off the bed. He smiled up at his lover, overwhelmed with sensations as his hands stroked Severus' skin. His hands felt huge and clumsy, hypersensitive, and he wanted to memorize every detail, every curve and every plane of the ivory flesh.
Severus was patient, letting him explore. He's thinking too much. Holding back, Harry thought, suddenly filled with the desire to make Severus lose control. He shifted his body, pressing his pelvis up until it made contact. Gods, it felt so good, and doing even more was going to be so wonderful, no matter if it hurt, possibly even because it would hurt.
A sense of purpose filled him; he knew what he wanted and he was going to get it. He pulled Severus down to kiss him deeply and surprised the older man by rolling them over so that Harry was on top, their legs tangled together.
I'm going to make him respond if it kills me... With a surprising sense of power, he dove in for more hungry kisses. As he slid his tongue deeper into Severus' mouth his hands caressed everything he could reach until he found nipples, which Harry began to gently roll between his fingertips.
Severus gasped into his mouth as Harry pulled back with a grin that was unarguably feral.
"Stop thinking," he ordered. "I know what I want and I want you." The intensity of his gaze, pupils so dilated with arousal that they almost swallowed the irises, left no room for doubt.
"I just can't believe it," Severus murmured. "I never would have thought-"
"Don't think!" Harry interrupted. "That's rather the point, isn't it? If anyone's supposed to be uncertain, isn't it me?"
Severus tensed underneath him, then pushed the young man off his lap. "I don't want to do anything you're not ready for."
Harry took a deep breath and asked a question, all humor gone from his voice. "Was this just something for you to do? Was it all just an interesting project? Is that all there is between us?"
There was a long, tense pause, before Severus slowly answered. "There is respect. And... friendship."
"And in the night? Was that respect and friendship, too?" Harry whispered.
"No, Harry. That was desire."
Harry replied slowly, testing the words for their honesty. "Respect. Friendship. Desire. How is that different from love?"
A small smile pulled at Severus' mouth, but his eyes were still sad. "I don't know."
The pain in Severus' eyes tugged something deep within Harry and filled him with a fierce urge to protect him. He bent forward and gave him a gentle kiss. "Then stop being so analytical and let me love you," he murmured.
"I don't want to hurt you." Something like fear shadowed Severus' voice as he slid a hand down to grasp Harry's.
Ignoring what he knew was Severus' true meaning, he answered, "I don't care if it hurts. I know it will, some. But I trust you. I want you."
Severus' eyes held his for a long moment, evaluating.
Harry rolled his eyes, frustrated at having to convince the other man to do something they both obviously wanted. Fine. I'll just have to tempt him into it, he thought, smirking as he moved to stand beside the bed.
Taking a deep breath, he let all the desire he was feeling show in his expression. He slowly ran his hands down his chest and stomach and began to unfasten his jeans. Once they were off, Harry met Severus' eyes, amused at the glazed expression on his face.
He turned around and bent over, letting the fabric of his boxers tighten across his bum as he pulled off the professor's socks. He moved again, running his hands up Severus' legs and thighs until he reached his waist, where he started patiently unbuttoning the woolen trousers. Harry tugged once, a brow raised, and Severus compliantly lifted his hips so Harry could remove them, along with his boxers.
Once Severus was naked, Harry's uncertainty came crashing back. He sat, staring at the angles and curves of the long, pale body in front of him. Naked.
The deep voice chuckled, "Lost your nerve? Or you can't think of anything else to do?"
Harry gave him a mock-glare. "I just didn't want to push you too fast. But if that's what you want..." He crawled back on the bed and bent to take one taut nipple between his lips.
Severus must have been surprised because he gasped, but the sigh that it turned into clearly expressed his approval. Harry felt drunk again, intoxicated on the powerful feeling of giving pleasure to another person. He licked and sucked at the tight little nub, pulling all sorts of wonderful sounds out of Severus, before moving to the other one and repeating the process.
He hesitated, then gently bit Severus' neck, sucking hard, pulling more of that brilliant tasting skin into his mouth. It was delicious and his senses were overwhelmed. He licked up to an earlobe, which he nibbled and sucked, then made his way to the mouth that was making all kinds of soft sighs and moans. Harry felt every sound travel down his own body to his groin.
He dove into Severus' pliant lips, the softness of lips forgotten as hungry tongues took over, tangling with each other, licking at teeth. Harry climbed on top, fitting their bodies together, grinding their erections into each other. He felt like he was flying, exhilarated.
At last Severus pulled away from their kiss, steadying the young man with a grip on his hips. "May I?" he asked, and rolled them over again. At Harry's nod, Severus grinned dangerously, and stripped off Harry's boxers before he had time to think about it.
Harry gasped and squirmed as Severus held him down with one firm hand while he licked the hollow of Harry's throat with his tongue, traveling downward. Exacting fingers confidently pinched and pulled at his nipples until he was making continuous whimpering noises, which turned to a groan as the tongue dove into his navel and wiggled, deep and hard. Severus' hair trailed down Harry's stomach and his hands tangled in it, smoothing the soft midnight silk across his skin.
Before Harry could reach for any semblance of clarity through the onslaught of new sensations, he felt what could only be that same maddening tongue lick the length of his cock as the shaft was gripped firmly in Severus' hand.
Harry was so startled he yelped.
Slowly the mouth pulled away and Severus turned to look up at him with an amused smirk. "Words, Harry. If you want me to stop, you need to use actual words."
Harry shivered; that deep voice all by itself, full of barely-held control, could almost make him come all by itself. He took a deep breath and decided that more than feeling the sensation, he wanted to do that to Severus.
Muscles from years of flying, playing, and fighting hard allowed him to flip them both over, startling Severus. Taking a steadying breath, he bent to tentatively kiss the tip of the other man's erection. "Is this ok?"
A soft whimper was his only answer, as Harry nuzzled the slightly protruding hip bones. Harry licked and kissed a path down the stomach to the cock in front of him and gently touched it. The soft warm skin over unyielding hardness was amazing – like his own, yet not. He tightened his hand, stroking up and down, fascinated by the drop of pearly fluid gathering at the tip. Brain still cooperating by not making him think before acting, he gently licked at the moisture, savoring the salty, slightly yeasty taste. The moaned, "Oh Harry, yes," from Severus was all the encouragement he needed to open his mouth and run his tongue around the head.
Harry had no idea he would find doing this so exciting. He felt in control, exhilarated, and deeply satisfied with himself that he was touching someone, touching Severus, tasting him. He loved it. He was having some trouble breathing, but realized it was partially because he had been pushing his own erection into the bed and was moaning at the combined pleasures.
After a few minutes of stroking his hand up and down, using his lips to suck lightly, and gradually taking a bit more into his mouth, Harry changed his tactics. He pulled back, sucking hard, and swirled his tongue around the head. Careful to breathe through his nose, he took Severus in as deep as he could without choking.
Severus gasped in response, then pushed Harry away. "If you keep that up, I'll be through in no time," he panted. "Unless that's what you want, which is fine," he amended quickly.
Harry shook his head, licking his reddened lips in an unconsciously lascivious manner. "No, I want you inside me," he answered truthfully. Thinking about it made him realize how much he did want it, and he felt the muscles in his arse clench and release in response.
Severus' eyes glittered in the candlelight. "All right then. We'll take it slowly. Tell me if it hurts; it shouldn't and it doesn't have to," he added, opening a drawer in the bedside table to retrieve a small bottle.
Harry felt his heart race and a nervous sweat broke out over his body. Briefly his thoughts flashed back to Voldemort's sneering voice telling him that no one would want him. No. Stop it, he told himself. Severus wants me. Voldemort was wrong. I was wrong to believe him.
Severus noticed Harry's moment of fear and pulled him close. Again seeming to read Harry's mind, he whispered, "I do want you. Badly. You're wonderful, beautiful, and I can hardly believe you want to give me this gift, your body, for your first time. Are you sure?"
Harry gave him a shaky smile back. "Yes, I'm sure. I want to know. I want it to be you. And I want you to stop asking me; I won't change my mind. I promise."
The promise was sealed with a small, sweet kiss, a kiss Severus stole control of and turned into one of growing passion. Lips slid together, mouths opening, tongues tangling gently as he pulled Harry on top of him once again.
The hands holding his head let go and long fingers massaged his neck for a moment, then stroked up and down his back until Harry positively purred in delight at the sensation. Severus stroked down to his hips, to the smooth, firm thighs, and back up again to grasp his buttocks.
"Gods, you're perfect," he breathed into Harry's ear as his hands continued to stroke and rub the muscles underneath the smooth skin. "Just relax, and breathe."
On cue, the tension in Harry's body seeped out and he leaned forward, burying his head in Severus' neck. He liked this position, being on top; he didn't feel powerless or exposed or vulnerable. Or alone, as he had feared he might, face down into the mattress.
Soothing, warm fingers massaged him for a few minutes, before one hand crept between his legs to fondle his balls, stroking them through the loose skin. As Harry's thighs parted to make more room, gentle fingertips trailed down his spine, between his cheeks, and whispered over his opening in a brief touch. He sighed into Severus' shoulder and nuzzled his neck.
Deft fingers returned, covered with slick fluid, teasing at his entrance. Harry was surprised at how much pleasurable sensation he felt, from such an unexpected source. Without thinking, he pushed back slightly into the fingers, burrowing his head further into Severus and making soft little humming sounds.
One fingertip eased in and began to wiggle slightly, pushing against the tight muscle until Harry began to relax. It felt strange but not bad, especially as it began to stroke in and out at a slow pace, as Severus' other hand came up to soothe his back.
Kissing the forehead buried into his shoulder, Severus whispered, "Breathe, Harry. All right?"
Harry nodded, not trusting himself to speak, then made a noise of surprise as the finger inside him pushed in further and brushed against something that made sparks flash against his eyelids. He felt more than heard the chuckle from the chest underneath him, before the probing digit swept across that spot again, and then again, making him shiver. It continued until Harry began to wiggle and twist his body as he moaned. "Oh, Gods, Severus..."
He whimpered as his lover withdrew his hand, then groaned as it came back again. Two fingers this time, slowly moving in and out, further and further until finally one hit that wonderful spot inside him. Harry pushed back against them, never minding the slight discomfort in favor of more of that feeling, more of those sparks running up his spine, more of that feeling of ecstasy. He didn't realize he was brokenly pleading, "More, more, please more," until Severus stopped moving his fingers.
"Are you ready?"
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. Severus prodded him until he lifted up, then reached a hand in between them to smooth more of the lubrication over his cock, and Harry's as well.
Severus positioned himself and cautiously rubbed the head of his erection against Harry's opening. Teasing and soothing him, wordlessly.
He took a deep breath, trying to relax. Harry kissed Severus' throat, distracting himself from what he knew was unreasonable fear, and brought their lips together for a languorous kiss.
Severus' cock eased into him, stretching him almost unbearably. Almost. It felt full, like it was too big, he was too tight to possibly stand it. It hurt. He was frozen in a moment of indescribable pain, not excruciating, but definitely strange.
"Breathe," Severus encouraged, stroking Harry's back. "Push out a little, as I push in."
It sounded strange but he complied, and could feel as the knots of tension in his body started to unravel. Inch by inch it eased in, stretching and pulling until Harry felt oddly full. But he also felt right, felt a sense of completion. Finally Severus was all the way in, obviously straining with the effort of going so slow.
Harry kissed his cheek. "Thank you. For everything. For being so careful."
Severus groaned and rocked upwards, moving in and out just a little. Just enough to hit that blissful spot inside.
Harry's eyes opened in shock as a universe of pleasure flooded his body, unexpected. "Oh, yes!" he exclaimed in wonder. Tears filled his eyes as Severus thrust up into him and Harry began to rock back to meet him. The pain faded to nothing as the pleasure grew; jolts of sensation gathered speed as he rocked back and forth. When Severus' hand crept between them and began stroking his erection at the same pace, he knew he never wanted this feeling to end.
Just this, just this perfect feeling. Everything I ever wanted... Harry barely noticed as he whispered, "I love you," in Severus' ear.
Severus froze.
The older man's breath caught in his throat. Of course he feels that, he told himself. This is his first time. It's nothing to do with me. Nonetheless, he found himself arguing, "You couldn't possibly love me. You don't even know me."
Shocked out of his bliss for a moment, Harry stopped moving. He laughed, giddy on pleasure and amused at being contradicted even in such an intimate tangle. "I know you just as well as you know me."
"It's only-," Severus pushed in again, deeply, making Harry rock back as his eyes closed in pleasure, "-sex."
Harry continued to move, following the cues of his body whine his eyes had difficulty focusing. But he insisted, "It isn't. Stop tormenting yourself and try to believe me: I love you."
Severus groaned from deep in his chest, picking up their rhythm again. "I can't pretend, Harry. Don't, don't say it." He clenched Harry's hips, inciting them both to move faster and faster, on the brink of losing control. His hand on Harry's cock was a blur between them as they rocked on the precipice of climax.
Harry forced the words out of his mouth, afraid he was about to lose the ability to speak, "I love you, I love you, I love you..." he cried as he started to spasm and come, his orgasm washing over him like a tidal wave, erasing everything else from consciousness.
Harry's body convulsing around and on top of his, the look of complete joy and bliss and yes, even love on the young man's face drove Severus over the edge as well. He didn't mean to say it, but as he relinquished control of his body, an answering "I love you, too" escaped his lips.
Harry drifted in a rapturous haze for a long time. He felt safe and comforted and cared for and loved for the first time, ever. Eventually he felt Severus slide out of his body, wrap him tight in strong arms, and kiss his cheek. He shifted and looked down into the deep, dark eyes, and saw satiated contentment but also a touch of fear.
Harry kissed Severus. "I know," he murmured sleepily. "You've saved me so many times. Let me to save you now. Let me love you."
Severus felt himself falling into a dark well, weightless and terrified. Somehow, though, he was willing to let go. "Yes," he whispered, returning Harry's kiss.
They fell asleep and dreamed of nothing, content, safe, and with no fear of nightmares.
~ end ~
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Author:
salixbabylonFandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Harry/Severus
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word Count: around 37,000 total
Disclaimer: Characters and places in this story, which appear in the Harry Potter novels, belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros. and Scholastic. I don't make, or intend to make money out of them. They just wouldn't leave me alone
Summary: Two years after graduation, Harry's having nightmares at Hogwarts. Who will wake him up?
Previous Chapters
1 AM, Day 7
The bottle of port was empty and Severus was deep into melancholy.
Somehow, I can't let go of these feelings. I know this isn't right and I know it's not good for either of us. But I want it.
More than anything I've ever wanted. More than anyone. Even more than...
I thought that I knew love, before. But if this is love, and I know it is, then that one clearly wasn't. Or at least was a quite different, more pale kind of love. A love where I wanted him, wanted to have him, possess him, own him...
I just want Harry to be happy. Whole. Even if that means he wouldn't be with me. Which it will.
The other love was all about what I needed. This is about what Harry needs.
This cannot possibly work out. I can't love him like this. I don't love; I tarnish things. Ruin people. Harry can't love me. Whatever he's feeling is just gratitude and lust. I won't pretend that that is love.
This must end. If it goes on much longer, it will simply hurt worse. Hurt him... I don't want to hurt him.
What would hurt more, a love never quite born or one that's been murdered?
It doesn't matter. I can't do this. I can't love him and let him pretend to love me and wait until he discovers that he was wrong.
Gods, this hurts. This time I swear I truly will never love anyone again. I mean it this time. Last time I swore that, I hadn't tasted real love.
Now I know it will always taste of Harry...
Noon, Day 7
The snow that had fallen a few days ago had mostly melted away over the paths. Harry woke up late, feeling lethargic and sick. Less in body and more in soul. Heavy and grey, as if his head was full of nasty black slime, weighing him down.
I knew it wasn't just some fucking curse. I knew most of it was me. Me and my sick desires.
He shuddered, thinking of Tom Riddle, and decided to go for a walk to escape. He dressed as warmly as he could and cast a heating charm on his clothes, needing to get out of the castle and stay out for as long as possible. Trudging through the snowy grounds, he decided to head for Hogsmeade.
I knew he could never really want me. Now that it's over and the curse is gone... Of course he wouldn't. He was probably just trying to show me that my touch isn't actually lethal. It was just educational to him. He was only helping me. It was just sex.
Why did I think it was anything more? Wasn't it just sex to me? Why did I think that I loved him? Of course it was just sex. God, I'm such a fool, kidding myself into thinking it was anything more. So naive.
Not like that's a surprise. Of course I'm naive; I haven't had any past experience in this kind of thing. Still...
Why did I want it to be more than sex? I'm such a stupid romantic idiot. Just because it felt so nice to be with him. In his bed.
No - in his arms. Or just sharing his company.
But that's just because he was taking care of me, making me feel safe. I'm confusing gratitude with love.
Am I?
Doesn't matter anyway. He never let us talk about it. And now it's over. He doesn't even want to see me. He practically asked me to leave his rooms. It's all over now that I'm "cured."
Harry found that his feet had walked him all the way to the door of the Three Broomsticks, so he went inside. At the bar he ordered a glass of port without thinking about it.
Rosmerta have him a surprised look. "Port? Are you sure? That's usually a different professor's drink. How about an Irish coffee, as you look like you've been out walking?"
Harry cursed himself inwardly. "All right, both please," he compromised, and carried his drinks over to a table in the corner.
He downed the coffee-laced whisky to warm up and then sipped at the port, staring off into space, growing more and more sullen as he became inebriated. He hardly noticed the shadow that fell over him before someone sat down at his table.
He scowled at Snape, stubbornly waiting for him to talk first.
"Harry..." the sensual voice rumbled, and Harry felt his body shiver with anticipation.
Damn it, no! I will not let myself give in to this. He's not even doing anything on purpose. I refuse to be so out of control. Go away! Just leave me alone.
"You don't need to watch out for me anymore," he said resentfully.
Snape's eyebrows quirked. "I know that."
"Why-" Harry clamped his mouth shut on the string of questions threatening to flood out. Why did you help me? Why did you even want to? Why did you touch me? Why are you the only person who knows me and now you're pushing me away? Why did you act like you cared about me? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much?
He realized his chest was heaving with the effort of not saying anything. His eyes stung and burned, but he clenched his jaw and refused to let any tears fall. He was done with that now.
Stop being so overemotional. Just accept it. It was nothing. Now get out of here before you say anything, he told himself.
Snape watched him struggle to not speak, and then clumsily shove back his chair and lurch to his feet. When Harry started to put on his coat, Snape got up. "May I accompany you back? I presume you're intelligent enough to not try to Apparate in that condition."
Walk back to the castle with Snape? After last night? "No thanks. I'd rather be alone."
Harry didn't see the hurt expression that flashed across the other man's face as he turned and wove towards the door, fumbling with gloves, muffler, and hat.
A hand caught his elbow just as he wrenched open the door. "Nonetheless, I insist on seeing you safely back home," said the familiarly biting Potions Master's voice, allowing for no disagreement.
"And I said, I don't need you to watch out for me!" Harry shouted as they stepped outside and the icy twilight wind whipped the ends of his muffler into Snape's face.
"Want it or not, I'm not leaving you to stagger home drunk in the dark and get frozen to death, you idiot boy!" he snarled, gripping Harry's arm.
Harry shrugged him off. "Right, now you touch me. Fine then," he grumbled, and started off through the slushy streets.
Snape stood for a moment, as if stunned, before rushing to catch up.
4 PM, Day 7
They walked in silence through Hogsmeade, past the empty fields between the castle and the village, and were nearing Hogwarts grounds when Snape's boot hit an icy patch of the road and he lost his footing.
Without thinking, Harry's wand was in his hand and Mobilicorpus was on his lips.
Snape managed to look both grateful and put-out as Harry lowered him back to a standing position. "You didn't have to do that."
"No? I should have let you fall and break something? You didn't have to walk back with me in the first place," Harry retorted.
Snape scowled. "Yes, I did. You could have-"
"Been hurt? Fallen?" Harry rolled his eyes. "I don't need you to take care of me. Severus, when are you going to realize that I'm an adult? I know I'm young but I'm not a child anymore."
Snape made a noise that sounded an awful lot like a snort. "You're not even twenty yet."
Harry rounded on him, eyes flashing with anger. "And how old were you when you joined Voldemort?"
The older man flinched.
"That's what I thought," Harry said. "And at the time did you feel like anything less than an adult?"
Snape thought for a long moment before answering, his honesty obviously taking an effort. "No. But. I was wrong. I was far too young to make the choices I made."
"If you had chosen not to join him, would you have thought you were also too young? Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you can blame it on being young. Everyone chooses. At all ages."
Snape regarded him with raised brows. Harry wondered if he was getting too philosophical. The alcohol was starting to wear off in the cold, but maybe he wasn't making sense.
"I know I can't say anything that will make you believe me. And lately, with the curse..." Harry cleared his throat and looked at his shoes. "I've been so... Depressed. And needy." He cleared his throat again and plowed ahead, grateful he was still tipsy enough to force the words out against his better judgment. "I needed you. But I didn't feel like a child. Especially in your bed. Ever." He forces his gaze up to meet Snape's eyes.
They burned into his, flashing even in the growing darkness. Intense. Harry began to feel quite warm, in fact.
Shape's smooth voice answered, "I didn't think of you as one. I just wanted..." He paused, finding the right words. "To protect you. To help you." Harry forgot to breathe as Snape added, "Wanted you."
"Did that change?" Harry asked quietly. "Because I still want you."
There was a long silence. Harry's shoes reclaimed his attention. He noticed he was getting cold and that it was now completely dark. The lights of the Hogwarts gates were not far off, but the two men stood surrounded by shadows.
Harry's chest felt like a hippogriff was sitting on it. After a long silence, he blinked rapidly and nodded. "All right. I'm sorry," he said, forcing his voice to sound calm. "It's really over then." He turned away and began to head towards the gates.
There was a crunch of snow behind him. "No." Snape's voice was somehow both faltering and emphatic and Harry found himself crushed in a tight embrace.
"No. Please," Severus whispered brokenly. "Not over. Just.. I'm too old for you. Not what you need," he pleaded, as if trying to convince them both.
Harry's irritation flashed back, even while caught in the delicious embrace. "Stop it. You don't get to make my decisions for me," he argued, as he turned and pressed his lips to Severus'.
They stood in the dark, kissing slowly, for several long minutes. As his body began to respond, Harry started to wonder if they were going to make it back to the castle at all. Adrenaline-fueled lust flashed through in him in a fiery wave, consuming him from the inside out. Before he could become embarrassed by it, he pressed up against Severus, feeling an answering hardness pressing into his stomach as his erection met the taller man's thigh.
"Let's go home," Severus whispered.
5 PM, Day 7
The walk across the Hogwarts grounds was the longest Harry could ever remember. They held hands and occasionally stopped for a hurried kiss, making their way across the snow as quickly as was safe. Self-consciously, they let go of each other once they got close enough to the castle that someone might seem them. Harry wasn't sure whether to feel relieved that they were maintaining their privacy or hurt that Severus might be ashamed of what others would think. Mostly though, he wasn't thinking much and was pleased with the notion of relinquishing control and letting his body be in charge for once.
After an eternity in which Harry learned how uncomfortable it could be to walk for such a distance with an erection, they reached the dungeons.
Severus stopped as they neared Harry's door. "I don't know exactly what you want or what we're going to do, but whose rooms would you be most comfortable in?"
"Yours," Harry answered without hesitating. "Mine are cold and sterile and I hate them. Yours at least feel like a home."
Severus nodded and they continued to his chambers. Harry started to step back so he could undo his locking spells in private, but Severus held his hand tight and said the words out loud, implicitly giving Harry access to his rooms. Harry was touched by the amount of trust this implied, as well as pleased, given how much he had recently trusted Severus with his own secrets.
As they entered, Harry began to quiver with fear as well as desire, in more or less equal parts. He found himself torn between wanting to take things slowly and seeing what happened, and throwing himself at the other man.
Still undecided, Harry's body told his brain to shut the hell up and launched itself at the taller man, who also stood hesitating near the door. His hands reached to pull Severus down by the neck, pressing his body against the other man, kissing him deeply and clearly communicating his desire.
After a few moments of feverish kissing, Severus pulled back and started to speak but Harry interrupted him. "No. I want this. I want you. Come what may, I want this and I know you want me. Don't you?" The other man nodded without hesitating, and Harry moved in for another intense kiss. "Then stop thinking and take me to bed. Please."
Coats, mufflers, and winter robes fell to the ground, shoes and boots were kicked off as they groped their way blindly to the bedroom. Severus pulled back from Harry's kisses long enough to flick his wand at the fireplace and a few candles while Harry shrugged out of his jumper, shirt, and socks. He blushed at the reverent expression on his lover's face as he looked at Harry's body, but the flush was one of anticipation rather than embarrassment this time.
Severus hadn't said a word and seemed to be hesitant; Harry suspected that he was uncertain still. He sat on the bed, pulling Severus with him, moving backwards until he was lying on his back with the other man straddling his hips. Harry's hands explored his body, feeling his warmth through the thin fabric of his shirt, the muscles of his chest, hard nipples, shoulders, down his arms, and began to undo the cufflinks at Severus' wrists.
His concentration on the cufflinks and buttons was so thorough that he didn't notice the amusement on Severus' face until he had pushed the shirt away and thrown it off the bed. He smiled up at his lover, overwhelmed with sensations as his hands stroked Severus' skin. His hands felt huge and clumsy, hypersensitive, and he wanted to memorize every detail, every curve and every plane of the ivory flesh.
Severus was patient, letting him explore. He's thinking too much. Holding back, Harry thought, suddenly filled with the desire to make Severus lose control. He shifted his body, pressing his pelvis up until it made contact. Gods, it felt so good, and doing even more was going to be so wonderful, no matter if it hurt, possibly even because it would hurt.
A sense of purpose filled him; he knew what he wanted and he was going to get it. He pulled Severus down to kiss him deeply and surprised the older man by rolling them over so that Harry was on top, their legs tangled together.
I'm going to make him respond if it kills me... With a surprising sense of power, he dove in for more hungry kisses. As he slid his tongue deeper into Severus' mouth his hands caressed everything he could reach until he found nipples, which Harry began to gently roll between his fingertips.
Severus gasped into his mouth as Harry pulled back with a grin that was unarguably feral.
"Stop thinking," he ordered. "I know what I want and I want you." The intensity of his gaze, pupils so dilated with arousal that they almost swallowed the irises, left no room for doubt.
"I just can't believe it," Severus murmured. "I never would have thought-"
"Don't think!" Harry interrupted. "That's rather the point, isn't it? If anyone's supposed to be uncertain, isn't it me?"
Severus tensed underneath him, then pushed the young man off his lap. "I don't want to do anything you're not ready for."
Harry took a deep breath and asked a question, all humor gone from his voice. "Was this just something for you to do? Was it all just an interesting project? Is that all there is between us?"
There was a long, tense pause, before Severus slowly answered. "There is respect. And... friendship."
"And in the night? Was that respect and friendship, too?" Harry whispered.
"No, Harry. That was desire."
Harry replied slowly, testing the words for their honesty. "Respect. Friendship. Desire. How is that different from love?"
A small smile pulled at Severus' mouth, but his eyes were still sad. "I don't know."
The pain in Severus' eyes tugged something deep within Harry and filled him with a fierce urge to protect him. He bent forward and gave him a gentle kiss. "Then stop being so analytical and let me love you," he murmured.
"I don't want to hurt you." Something like fear shadowed Severus' voice as he slid a hand down to grasp Harry's.
Ignoring what he knew was Severus' true meaning, he answered, "I don't care if it hurts. I know it will, some. But I trust you. I want you."
Severus' eyes held his for a long moment, evaluating.
Harry rolled his eyes, frustrated at having to convince the other man to do something they both obviously wanted. Fine. I'll just have to tempt him into it, he thought, smirking as he moved to stand beside the bed.
Taking a deep breath, he let all the desire he was feeling show in his expression. He slowly ran his hands down his chest and stomach and began to unfasten his jeans. Once they were off, Harry met Severus' eyes, amused at the glazed expression on his face.
He turned around and bent over, letting the fabric of his boxers tighten across his bum as he pulled off the professor's socks. He moved again, running his hands up Severus' legs and thighs until he reached his waist, where he started patiently unbuttoning the woolen trousers. Harry tugged once, a brow raised, and Severus compliantly lifted his hips so Harry could remove them, along with his boxers.
Once Severus was naked, Harry's uncertainty came crashing back. He sat, staring at the angles and curves of the long, pale body in front of him. Naked.
The deep voice chuckled, "Lost your nerve? Or you can't think of anything else to do?"
Harry gave him a mock-glare. "I just didn't want to push you too fast. But if that's what you want..." He crawled back on the bed and bent to take one taut nipple between his lips.
Severus must have been surprised because he gasped, but the sigh that it turned into clearly expressed his approval. Harry felt drunk again, intoxicated on the powerful feeling of giving pleasure to another person. He licked and sucked at the tight little nub, pulling all sorts of wonderful sounds out of Severus, before moving to the other one and repeating the process.
He hesitated, then gently bit Severus' neck, sucking hard, pulling more of that brilliant tasting skin into his mouth. It was delicious and his senses were overwhelmed. He licked up to an earlobe, which he nibbled and sucked, then made his way to the mouth that was making all kinds of soft sighs and moans. Harry felt every sound travel down his own body to his groin.
He dove into Severus' pliant lips, the softness of lips forgotten as hungry tongues took over, tangling with each other, licking at teeth. Harry climbed on top, fitting their bodies together, grinding their erections into each other. He felt like he was flying, exhilarated.
At last Severus pulled away from their kiss, steadying the young man with a grip on his hips. "May I?" he asked, and rolled them over again. At Harry's nod, Severus grinned dangerously, and stripped off Harry's boxers before he had time to think about it.
Harry gasped and squirmed as Severus held him down with one firm hand while he licked the hollow of Harry's throat with his tongue, traveling downward. Exacting fingers confidently pinched and pulled at his nipples until he was making continuous whimpering noises, which turned to a groan as the tongue dove into his navel and wiggled, deep and hard. Severus' hair trailed down Harry's stomach and his hands tangled in it, smoothing the soft midnight silk across his skin.
Before Harry could reach for any semblance of clarity through the onslaught of new sensations, he felt what could only be that same maddening tongue lick the length of his cock as the shaft was gripped firmly in Severus' hand.
Harry was so startled he yelped.
Slowly the mouth pulled away and Severus turned to look up at him with an amused smirk. "Words, Harry. If you want me to stop, you need to use actual words."
Harry shivered; that deep voice all by itself, full of barely-held control, could almost make him come all by itself. He took a deep breath and decided that more than feeling the sensation, he wanted to do that to Severus.
Muscles from years of flying, playing, and fighting hard allowed him to flip them both over, startling Severus. Taking a steadying breath, he bent to tentatively kiss the tip of the other man's erection. "Is this ok?"
A soft whimper was his only answer, as Harry nuzzled the slightly protruding hip bones. Harry licked and kissed a path down the stomach to the cock in front of him and gently touched it. The soft warm skin over unyielding hardness was amazing – like his own, yet not. He tightened his hand, stroking up and down, fascinated by the drop of pearly fluid gathering at the tip. Brain still cooperating by not making him think before acting, he gently licked at the moisture, savoring the salty, slightly yeasty taste. The moaned, "Oh Harry, yes," from Severus was all the encouragement he needed to open his mouth and run his tongue around the head.
Harry had no idea he would find doing this so exciting. He felt in control, exhilarated, and deeply satisfied with himself that he was touching someone, touching Severus, tasting him. He loved it. He was having some trouble breathing, but realized it was partially because he had been pushing his own erection into the bed and was moaning at the combined pleasures.
After a few minutes of stroking his hand up and down, using his lips to suck lightly, and gradually taking a bit more into his mouth, Harry changed his tactics. He pulled back, sucking hard, and swirled his tongue around the head. Careful to breathe through his nose, he took Severus in as deep as he could without choking.
Severus gasped in response, then pushed Harry away. "If you keep that up, I'll be through in no time," he panted. "Unless that's what you want, which is fine," he amended quickly.
Harry shook his head, licking his reddened lips in an unconsciously lascivious manner. "No, I want you inside me," he answered truthfully. Thinking about it made him realize how much he did want it, and he felt the muscles in his arse clench and release in response.
Severus' eyes glittered in the candlelight. "All right then. We'll take it slowly. Tell me if it hurts; it shouldn't and it doesn't have to," he added, opening a drawer in the bedside table to retrieve a small bottle.
Harry felt his heart race and a nervous sweat broke out over his body. Briefly his thoughts flashed back to Voldemort's sneering voice telling him that no one would want him. No. Stop it, he told himself. Severus wants me. Voldemort was wrong. I was wrong to believe him.
Severus noticed Harry's moment of fear and pulled him close. Again seeming to read Harry's mind, he whispered, "I do want you. Badly. You're wonderful, beautiful, and I can hardly believe you want to give me this gift, your body, for your first time. Are you sure?"
Harry gave him a shaky smile back. "Yes, I'm sure. I want to know. I want it to be you. And I want you to stop asking me; I won't change my mind. I promise."
The promise was sealed with a small, sweet kiss, a kiss Severus stole control of and turned into one of growing passion. Lips slid together, mouths opening, tongues tangling gently as he pulled Harry on top of him once again.
The hands holding his head let go and long fingers massaged his neck for a moment, then stroked up and down his back until Harry positively purred in delight at the sensation. Severus stroked down to his hips, to the smooth, firm thighs, and back up again to grasp his buttocks.
"Gods, you're perfect," he breathed into Harry's ear as his hands continued to stroke and rub the muscles underneath the smooth skin. "Just relax, and breathe."
On cue, the tension in Harry's body seeped out and he leaned forward, burying his head in Severus' neck. He liked this position, being on top; he didn't feel powerless or exposed or vulnerable. Or alone, as he had feared he might, face down into the mattress.
Soothing, warm fingers massaged him for a few minutes, before one hand crept between his legs to fondle his balls, stroking them through the loose skin. As Harry's thighs parted to make more room, gentle fingertips trailed down his spine, between his cheeks, and whispered over his opening in a brief touch. He sighed into Severus' shoulder and nuzzled his neck.
Deft fingers returned, covered with slick fluid, teasing at his entrance. Harry was surprised at how much pleasurable sensation he felt, from such an unexpected source. Without thinking, he pushed back slightly into the fingers, burrowing his head further into Severus and making soft little humming sounds.
One fingertip eased in and began to wiggle slightly, pushing against the tight muscle until Harry began to relax. It felt strange but not bad, especially as it began to stroke in and out at a slow pace, as Severus' other hand came up to soothe his back.
Kissing the forehead buried into his shoulder, Severus whispered, "Breathe, Harry. All right?"
Harry nodded, not trusting himself to speak, then made a noise of surprise as the finger inside him pushed in further and brushed against something that made sparks flash against his eyelids. He felt more than heard the chuckle from the chest underneath him, before the probing digit swept across that spot again, and then again, making him shiver. It continued until Harry began to wiggle and twist his body as he moaned. "Oh, Gods, Severus..."
He whimpered as his lover withdrew his hand, then groaned as it came back again. Two fingers this time, slowly moving in and out, further and further until finally one hit that wonderful spot inside him. Harry pushed back against them, never minding the slight discomfort in favor of more of that feeling, more of those sparks running up his spine, more of that feeling of ecstasy. He didn't realize he was brokenly pleading, "More, more, please more," until Severus stopped moving his fingers.
"Are you ready?"
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. Severus prodded him until he lifted up, then reached a hand in between them to smooth more of the lubrication over his cock, and Harry's as well.
Severus positioned himself and cautiously rubbed the head of his erection against Harry's opening. Teasing and soothing him, wordlessly.
He took a deep breath, trying to relax. Harry kissed Severus' throat, distracting himself from what he knew was unreasonable fear, and brought their lips together for a languorous kiss.
Severus' cock eased into him, stretching him almost unbearably. Almost. It felt full, like it was too big, he was too tight to possibly stand it. It hurt. He was frozen in a moment of indescribable pain, not excruciating, but definitely strange.
"Breathe," Severus encouraged, stroking Harry's back. "Push out a little, as I push in."
It sounded strange but he complied, and could feel as the knots of tension in his body started to unravel. Inch by inch it eased in, stretching and pulling until Harry felt oddly full. But he also felt right, felt a sense of completion. Finally Severus was all the way in, obviously straining with the effort of going so slow.
Harry kissed his cheek. "Thank you. For everything. For being so careful."
Severus groaned and rocked upwards, moving in and out just a little. Just enough to hit that blissful spot inside.
Harry's eyes opened in shock as a universe of pleasure flooded his body, unexpected. "Oh, yes!" he exclaimed in wonder. Tears filled his eyes as Severus thrust up into him and Harry began to rock back to meet him. The pain faded to nothing as the pleasure grew; jolts of sensation gathered speed as he rocked back and forth. When Severus' hand crept between them and began stroking his erection at the same pace, he knew he never wanted this feeling to end.
Just this, just this perfect feeling. Everything I ever wanted... Harry barely noticed as he whispered, "I love you," in Severus' ear.
Severus froze.
The older man's breath caught in his throat. Of course he feels that, he told himself. This is his first time. It's nothing to do with me. Nonetheless, he found himself arguing, "You couldn't possibly love me. You don't even know me."
Shocked out of his bliss for a moment, Harry stopped moving. He laughed, giddy on pleasure and amused at being contradicted even in such an intimate tangle. "I know you just as well as you know me."
"It's only-," Severus pushed in again, deeply, making Harry rock back as his eyes closed in pleasure, "-sex."
Harry continued to move, following the cues of his body whine his eyes had difficulty focusing. But he insisted, "It isn't. Stop tormenting yourself and try to believe me: I love you."
Severus groaned from deep in his chest, picking up their rhythm again. "I can't pretend, Harry. Don't, don't say it." He clenched Harry's hips, inciting them both to move faster and faster, on the brink of losing control. His hand on Harry's cock was a blur between them as they rocked on the precipice of climax.
Harry forced the words out of his mouth, afraid he was about to lose the ability to speak, "I love you, I love you, I love you..." he cried as he started to spasm and come, his orgasm washing over him like a tidal wave, erasing everything else from consciousness.
Harry's body convulsing around and on top of his, the look of complete joy and bliss and yes, even love on the young man's face drove Severus over the edge as well. He didn't mean to say it, but as he relinquished control of his body, an answering "I love you, too" escaped his lips.
Harry drifted in a rapturous haze for a long time. He felt safe and comforted and cared for and loved for the first time, ever. Eventually he felt Severus slide out of his body, wrap him tight in strong arms, and kiss his cheek. He shifted and looked down into the deep, dark eyes, and saw satiated contentment but also a touch of fear.
Harry kissed Severus. "I know," he murmured sleepily. "You've saved me so many times. Let me to save you now. Let me love you."
Severus felt himself falling into a dark well, weightless and terrified. Somehow, though, he was willing to let go. "Yes," he whispered, returning Harry's kiss.
They fell asleep and dreamed of nothing, content, safe, and with no fear of nightmares.
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