kink essays by Midori

[salixbabylon]

I was going to pass this long to a friend, but then I thought maybe some of you might be interested in reading it as well.

I totally fangirl Midori, although I don't always agree with her. One thing we share in common is our frustration at what we perceive as "bad" kiny stories - onces where the power exchange truly is unequal and in real life, someone would be bound to get hurt, emotionally if not physically. I was reading her book of essays about kink "Wild Side Sex" in the car as we drove yesterday, and these two really captured the "essence" of a healthy kinky relationship - however short-lived - , in my eyes.

The full text of the book is online at google books: Wild Side Sex From there you can select the chapters: "Pleasure, Pain, Dominance, and Submission" and "Modern Chivalry."

Anyway, just sharing some food for thought, for anyone interested in reading, writing, or just thinking about kinky dynamics.

And as always, I'm up for a discussion, however TMI it might get. :)

Comments

[ladykatiewench.livejournal.com]

Reading this! And I'm commenting over here WHILE I'm reading, so if something comes up later that I've already gone on about...sorry!

Okay...I like the idea of the hierarchy of needs when it comes to understanding your place in kink. But she talks about people using D/s to find control in their lives and how it isn't an acceptable substitute. And first of all, duh. But at the same time...why not? I'm not saying that people should let their real lives be as insane as possible while focusing all their control issues on D/s, but isn't that one of the things that makes it so great? There are always going to be things that are out of control in my life, so for a small time of day, I get to find that control. And it seems like she just uses the extreme fantasies of Story of O and the Beauty series, etc. I think that I don't need her to tell me that these are fantasies. I know they are. And dammit, I like those fantasies. I like having a grand fantasy that involves a castle and a princes and princesses. I know that's not the real world. Just like porn isn't real sex. But that doesn't mean porn is a bad thing. Most people, I hope, can separate porn from real sex. Just like most people, I hope, can separate the princess fantasy from real life.

[ladykatiewench.livejournal.com]

Is this supposed to be a self-help type of a book? Cause it seems to me that she is writing as though instructing people who have no knowledge whatsoever of kink relationships. And yet she is acknowledging that the internet has expanded the horizons of so many. Therefore, it would seem that the people who would read her book would already have some basic experience and understanding of kink relationships. Which makes her writing seem condescending. It feels like she is talking down to me because she has more experience and can give a citation. Just because I'm not at her level doesn't mean that I need to be told that I need to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

Maybe I need to stop reading for a bit and find out what you think about this. I'm worried that I'm approaching it in a too defensive state. And if that's not what she is trying to say, I don't want to misunderstand.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I thikn it's really aimed at beginners, this essay in particular at people who are interested in kink but have no idea what's going on under the surface. I think we, as fanfiction readers, get a lot mroe of the headspace lessons and information than a lot of "regaular" people.

I like that she spells things out, but I can see how it would feel condescending to someone with expereince. Frankly, I wish *more* writers would get that it's about what's going on inside your head that makes kneeling and crawling fun. Kink can be a lot of things, with varying levels of seriousness, but I'm fucking *sick* of reading about broken people hoping for a Master to fix all their problems by ordering them to suck his cock.

[phytha.livejournal.com]

As sad as it is, it's still important to tell even people who have been practising SM for a lomg time, that there's a difference between fantasy and reality. You wouldn't believe how much abuse is happening. Quite often "experienced" dominants are looking for beginners to educate and - well, yes - break. Some time ago my group got a "help me" letter from a young woman, concerning her first experiences with BDSM with an "experienced" domina. We really thought someone was mocking us and testing how we would react to a unbelievable story straight out of the worst fiction ever written - well, every single word turned out to be true.

[phytha.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting the link. Mwe too I'm a big Midori fan since having taken part in one of her lectures in Vienna. It's been about negotiation, my favorite theme, and I really learned very much from her.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I see Katie's point that Midori could seem to be condescending, but I like that she's very clear. She doesn't assume you know something - she'll spell it out just in case you don't. I find that reassuring. :)