![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
salixbabylonTitle: Apologies Are The Hardest Things
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
salixbabylon
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R
Word Count: 2067
Disclaimer: JKR owns everything. I just like to play naughty games with her dollies.
Summary: Sirius tries to apologize but Remus is incredibly resistant. As usual, all hell breaks loose after a trip to a gay bar.
Notes: Forhammil77, who asked for a pre-Azkaban Sirius/Remus 'apology.' Massive thank-yous to helena_s_renn for the beta!
Apologies Are The Hardest Things
Sirius had fucked everything up.
It had been unbecoming of a Black, Sirius had thought, how desperately he'd wanted Remus to forgive him for The Shack Incident. After months of humbling himself and doing everything he could to get back into Moony's good graces and failing repeatedly, Sirius had given up. If Remus didn't want to forgive him there was really nothing Sirius could do which would convince him otherwise. Despite his soft-spoken nature, Remus could be as much of a stubborn git as the rest of them - more so, in fact, with his martyr complex and rampant insecurity.
So Sirius had turned his attentions to other pursuits for their last year of school. James was busy with Evans, Remus only politely tolerated his company, and Peter honestly just wasn't very interesting. Sirius had decided to focus his energy and skills on getting into the knickers of every witch he possibly could and then taunting the other boys about his sexual conquests. It had ended up being a good year overall, and not as lonely as it would have been otherwise.
Once they'd graduated and he and James had joined the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius' days were busy with training and his nights were busy with "dogging around," as James put it. All four of them still got together at the full moon for Remus' sake though. As time passed Sirius found himself missing the camaraderie that the wolf and dog shared during the rest of the month. This whole thing had gone on entirely too long now, he thought. He didn't want to be mere acquaintances; he wanted his Moony back, but he had no idea how to get him.
In the absence of any plans of his own, Sirius turned to James for advice.
James suggested flowers. "Lily always forgives me when I bring her fire lilies," he said, getting a soppy grin on his face.
Sirius gave him a smack. "Despite his comfort in the library, James, Remus is not actually a girl. Surely you noticed that at some point during the seven years we lived together and showered and changed clothes in the same room. He does have a cock – I've seen it."
"Hmm," James said. "Checking him out, were you? Are you positive? I mean, he's so bloody hypersensitive and he does have that monthly problem."
They both laughed at that, although Sirius felt a bit bad about it.
"What, other than flowers, do you think our Moony could be bribed into forgiveness by?" he asked again.
Books and chocolate were the only useful ideas James had, although he did offer that if Sirius ever fought with him, the new Nimbus 1500 would guarantee James' forgiveness instantly. Chocolate seemed like a girly dating-thing to Sirius, but the book suggestion was a good one, if only he could think of what to get.
A few hours of loitering around Flourish and Blotts yielded two dates and a copy of Merpeople, Kelpies, Grindylows, & Other Reasons Not To Go Swimming Alone by Clarence Poole. He gave it to Remus the next time they all got together at James and Lily's for dinner. Remus clearly appreciated the gift, but looked at Sirius with suspicion for the rest of the evening.
A few days later, on Peter's suggestion, Sirius asked Remus out to dinner. The evening went pretty well overall despite the awkwardness once Remus realized no one else was joining them, but they almost came to blows arguing over who would pick up the check. Remus had Disapparated in a huff when Sirius won by cleverly Transfiguring the bill into a breadstick and then juggling it along with the others left over from their meal. Sirius had thought it rather entertaining, but apparently Remus disagreed.
He should have known better than to take advice from Peter.
As an apology for their tussle over dinner (and how had Sirius gotten into a place where he was apologizing for a failed apology?), he sent Remus a large box from Honeydukes. Honestly, he thought with a snigger, all he needed now were the flowers and perhaps some lacy unmentionables and he'd officially be courting Remus J. Lupin.
Which was an odd thought, although not as disturbing as it would have been a few years ago. After a couple of very inebriated nights where Sirius had jokingly ended up snogging blokes in gay bars in London and not-so-jokingly getting his cock sucked by a few of them, he'd decided that he liked blokes just as well as birds – and why not? It was the 1970s, after all, and being a poof didn't seem to be as big a deal anymore. Remus himself had come out of the broom closet in their 7th year, to no one's tremendous surprise.
In fact, Sirius decided to use his talents at sexual conquest to Remus' benefit. On the advice of the twins, Gideon and Fabian (admittedly after a wild night out drinking), Sirius decided to get Remus laid. He found a likely Muggle bar, then Apparated to Remus' house with some fashionable clothing and wouldn't take, "No, Sirius, absolutely not, go away," for an answer.
Remus in tight trousers and decent boots and a mostly-unbuttoned silk shirt was far more appealing than Sirius would have thought. He watched his friend dancing and being pawed by other blokes and felt a strange tingle of something unpleasant in his stomach which couldn't entirely be attributed to the god-awful swill Muggles called cocktails.
The way Remus moved, with such frank sensuality, was unexpected and quite attractive. The way that blighter with the stupid moustache was squeezing Remus' arse was decidedly not, and Sirius' hand was on his wand before he remembered he couldn't just start hexing people for daring to touch his surprisingly sexy friend's arse.
For fuck's sake, was he jealous of Remus or the guy grabbing him? Clearly Remus wasn't the only one who needed to get laid. With a shake of his head, Sirius stumbled towards the back rooms.
Ten minutes later a familiar hand grabbed Sirius by the shoulder and pulled him away from the accommodating bloke still swallowing Sirius' come.
"You're such a slut, Sirius. You'll fuck anything that moves, won't you?" Remus accused.
Sirius fumbled to tuck himself back into his leather trousers as Remus pushed him down the corridor. "What the fuck, Moony? You seemed to be doing fine on your own; what's the harm in it?"
"Why did you even bother bringing me here?" Remus demanded.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "I thought you might enjoy getting out of your miserable little flat and having a good time. The twins and I thought you needed to have some fun. I thought you might appreciate it."
"I don't appreciated being abandoned on the dance floor to Mike the Moustache and his wandering hands. If I wanted a wank, I could do it myself and unlike you, I don't get off by doing it in public!" Remus yelled.
Sirius made a face and yanked Remus into a dark corner. With a subtle motion he grabbed his hidden wand and Apparated them both back to the so-called miserable little flat.
"God damnit, Sirius," Remus said, shoving him across the room. "Warn me before you do things like that!"
"Shut it! There's no pleasing you, is there? I keep trying to apologize and you won't forgive me and I don't know what to do to make you be friends with me again!" Sirius yelled back.
"Why don't you tell me how you feel, you fucking idiot, instead of trying to bribe me into being your friend?" Remus challenged him.
Sirius made a face. Feelings. Fucking Moony wanted him to talk about his bloody fucking stupid feelings. Maybe Remus was a girl after all, he thought to himself as he sat down on the sofa, pouting.
"If you want me to talk about my feelings, you're going to need to get me way more pissed than I am," Sirius pointed out and used his wand to Summon a bottle of Firewhisky from the kitchenette.
Remus sighed and sat down as well, Transfiguring two glasses from some old newspapers littering the rug. "Sirius, I've forgiven you as much as I can. We're friends."
"Not like we used to be," he said morosely. "I just... I miss how things were before."
After a long pause Remus said, "Me too," in a quiet voice.
They drank in silence for a while, until the liquor had made Sirius maudlin and thoughtful and loquacious. He let his head fall back and eyes close as he began to speak.
"A few weeks ago I saw something really awful when I was out with Frank and Alice and the twins, at that village near Chester, you remember? Those fucking arsewipes my brother's joined up with had a Muggle family. They'd Imperiused the dad and made the mum watch while he killed their three kids." Sirius took a deep breath. "I know things like that are happening all the time, but I'd never seen it before, not caught them in the act like that... It made me realize what it is to use someone, Moony. That I had used you like that. I never got it before then; I hated Snivellus so fucking much and still do, but... I never meant to do that to you, not ever. I just didn't think. And I'm sorry," Sirius finished, opening his eyes tentatively.
Remus was sitting, almost frozen, biting his lower lip. His expression was totally unreadable and he wouldn't meet Sirius' eyes.
Desperation made Sirius' voice low and rough. "Moony, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I did something totally stupid and I didn't think about any possibilities for how it might end. If I had, I never would have done it on purpose; I know you don't believe me but I just wanted to scare Snape, not feed him to you. I'm so sorry I betrayed you," he whispered, trying to hold back the moisture gathering in his eyes. "I'm sorry I used you. I miss you and I don't care if you think I'm a big girl for saying this, but I love you, Moony, and I really, truly miss being friends with you."
Remus reached out a hand and squeezed Sirius' shoulder briefly. He nodded once. "I miss you too, Pads. And I forgive you for not having thought the consequences through. And for wanting to scare Snape; I know how you lose your head. But you betrayed me," he said, and Sirius felt like Remus had hit him in the chest. "I could have killed him and it made me sick to think you would just use me like that. As a tool. And it wasn't just what you did..." Remus fiddled with his drink. "It was that it was you, out of any of the others. It would have hurt if it had been James or Peter, but it had to be you. I fancied you, Sirius."
And then Sirius did one of the stupidest, smartest things he could have done. He leaned forward and tried to kiss Remus. Who naturally shoved him off and onto the floor, where Sirius hit his head, upsetting the bottle on the coffee table and drenching himself in the odiferous spirits. The smart bit was that it made Remus laugh, which was good because otherwise Sirius thought he might actually cry.
He lay on the floor and gave Remus an uncertain half-smile.
Remus shook his head and gave him a rueful grin. "You're impossible. I've only just forgiven you, and you're trying to get in my pants. I don't fancy you any longer."
Sirius grinned back. Remus said he'd forgiven him and all it took was getting pissed, nearly getting in a fight, and then confessing his big girly feelings and getting a bit weepy. And a book and some chocolate and an expensive dinner. And a bit of a knock on the head. But those were trivialities compared to the rest.
"I promise," he said, sitting up. "Moony, I hereby solemnly swear that I will never ever betray you again. Ever."
Remus held his eyes for a long time, then reached out to pull Sirius close. They embraced, not awkwardly, but as brothers.
And with a bit of work, Sirius was sure he could make Remus fancy him again.
~end~
hit counter
Author:
salixbabylonPairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R
Word Count: 2067
Disclaimer: JKR owns everything. I just like to play naughty games with her dollies.
Summary: Sirius tries to apologize but Remus is incredibly resistant. As usual, all hell breaks loose after a trip to a gay bar.
Notes: For
hammil77, who asked for a pre-Azkaban Sirius/Remus 'apology.' Massive thank-yous to helena_s_renn for the beta!Sirius had fucked everything up.
It had been unbecoming of a Black, Sirius had thought, how desperately he'd wanted Remus to forgive him for The Shack Incident. After months of humbling himself and doing everything he could to get back into Moony's good graces and failing repeatedly, Sirius had given up. If Remus didn't want to forgive him there was really nothing Sirius could do which would convince him otherwise. Despite his soft-spoken nature, Remus could be as much of a stubborn git as the rest of them - more so, in fact, with his martyr complex and rampant insecurity.
So Sirius had turned his attentions to other pursuits for their last year of school. James was busy with Evans, Remus only politely tolerated his company, and Peter honestly just wasn't very interesting. Sirius had decided to focus his energy and skills on getting into the knickers of every witch he possibly could and then taunting the other boys about his sexual conquests. It had ended up being a good year overall, and not as lonely as it would have been otherwise.
Once they'd graduated and he and James had joined the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius' days were busy with training and his nights were busy with "dogging around," as James put it. All four of them still got together at the full moon for Remus' sake though. As time passed Sirius found himself missing the camaraderie that the wolf and dog shared during the rest of the month. This whole thing had gone on entirely too long now, he thought. He didn't want to be mere acquaintances; he wanted his Moony back, but he had no idea how to get him.
In the absence of any plans of his own, Sirius turned to James for advice.
James suggested flowers. "Lily always forgives me when I bring her fire lilies," he said, getting a soppy grin on his face.
Sirius gave him a smack. "Despite his comfort in the library, James, Remus is not actually a girl. Surely you noticed that at some point during the seven years we lived together and showered and changed clothes in the same room. He does have a cock – I've seen it."
"Hmm," James said. "Checking him out, were you? Are you positive? I mean, he's so bloody hypersensitive and he does have that monthly problem."
They both laughed at that, although Sirius felt a bit bad about it.
"What, other than flowers, do you think our Moony could be bribed into forgiveness by?" he asked again.
Books and chocolate were the only useful ideas James had, although he did offer that if Sirius ever fought with him, the new Nimbus 1500 would guarantee James' forgiveness instantly. Chocolate seemed like a girly dating-thing to Sirius, but the book suggestion was a good one, if only he could think of what to get.
A few hours of loitering around Flourish and Blotts yielded two dates and a copy of Merpeople, Kelpies, Grindylows, & Other Reasons Not To Go Swimming Alone by Clarence Poole. He gave it to Remus the next time they all got together at James and Lily's for dinner. Remus clearly appreciated the gift, but looked at Sirius with suspicion for the rest of the evening.
A few days later, on Peter's suggestion, Sirius asked Remus out to dinner. The evening went pretty well overall despite the awkwardness once Remus realized no one else was joining them, but they almost came to blows arguing over who would pick up the check. Remus had Disapparated in a huff when Sirius won by cleverly Transfiguring the bill into a breadstick and then juggling it along with the others left over from their meal. Sirius had thought it rather entertaining, but apparently Remus disagreed.
He should have known better than to take advice from Peter.
As an apology for their tussle over dinner (and how had Sirius gotten into a place where he was apologizing for a failed apology?), he sent Remus a large box from Honeydukes. Honestly, he thought with a snigger, all he needed now were the flowers and perhaps some lacy unmentionables and he'd officially be courting Remus J. Lupin.
Which was an odd thought, although not as disturbing as it would have been a few years ago. After a couple of very inebriated nights where Sirius had jokingly ended up snogging blokes in gay bars in London and not-so-jokingly getting his cock sucked by a few of them, he'd decided that he liked blokes just as well as birds – and why not? It was the 1970s, after all, and being a poof didn't seem to be as big a deal anymore. Remus himself had come out of the broom closet in their 7th year, to no one's tremendous surprise.
In fact, Sirius decided to use his talents at sexual conquest to Remus' benefit. On the advice of the twins, Gideon and Fabian (admittedly after a wild night out drinking), Sirius decided to get Remus laid. He found a likely Muggle bar, then Apparated to Remus' house with some fashionable clothing and wouldn't take, "No, Sirius, absolutely not, go away," for an answer.
Remus in tight trousers and decent boots and a mostly-unbuttoned silk shirt was far more appealing than Sirius would have thought. He watched his friend dancing and being pawed by other blokes and felt a strange tingle of something unpleasant in his stomach which couldn't entirely be attributed to the god-awful swill Muggles called cocktails.
The way Remus moved, with such frank sensuality, was unexpected and quite attractive. The way that blighter with the stupid moustache was squeezing Remus' arse was decidedly not, and Sirius' hand was on his wand before he remembered he couldn't just start hexing people for daring to touch his surprisingly sexy friend's arse.
For fuck's sake, was he jealous of Remus or the guy grabbing him? Clearly Remus wasn't the only one who needed to get laid. With a shake of his head, Sirius stumbled towards the back rooms.
Ten minutes later a familiar hand grabbed Sirius by the shoulder and pulled him away from the accommodating bloke still swallowing Sirius' come.
"You're such a slut, Sirius. You'll fuck anything that moves, won't you?" Remus accused.
Sirius fumbled to tuck himself back into his leather trousers as Remus pushed him down the corridor. "What the fuck, Moony? You seemed to be doing fine on your own; what's the harm in it?"
"Why did you even bother bringing me here?" Remus demanded.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "I thought you might enjoy getting out of your miserable little flat and having a good time. The twins and I thought you needed to have some fun. I thought you might appreciate it."
"I don't appreciated being abandoned on the dance floor to Mike the Moustache and his wandering hands. If I wanted a wank, I could do it myself and unlike you, I don't get off by doing it in public!" Remus yelled.
Sirius made a face and yanked Remus into a dark corner. With a subtle motion he grabbed his hidden wand and Apparated them both back to the so-called miserable little flat.
"God damnit, Sirius," Remus said, shoving him across the room. "Warn me before you do things like that!"
"Shut it! There's no pleasing you, is there? I keep trying to apologize and you won't forgive me and I don't know what to do to make you be friends with me again!" Sirius yelled back.
"Why don't you tell me how you feel, you fucking idiot, instead of trying to bribe me into being your friend?" Remus challenged him.
Sirius made a face. Feelings. Fucking Moony wanted him to talk about his bloody fucking stupid feelings. Maybe Remus was a girl after all, he thought to himself as he sat down on the sofa, pouting.
"If you want me to talk about my feelings, you're going to need to get me way more pissed than I am," Sirius pointed out and used his wand to Summon a bottle of Firewhisky from the kitchenette.
Remus sighed and sat down as well, Transfiguring two glasses from some old newspapers littering the rug. "Sirius, I've forgiven you as much as I can. We're friends."
"Not like we used to be," he said morosely. "I just... I miss how things were before."
After a long pause Remus said, "Me too," in a quiet voice.
They drank in silence for a while, until the liquor had made Sirius maudlin and thoughtful and loquacious. He let his head fall back and eyes close as he began to speak.
"A few weeks ago I saw something really awful when I was out with Frank and Alice and the twins, at that village near Chester, you remember? Those fucking arsewipes my brother's joined up with had a Muggle family. They'd Imperiused the dad and made the mum watch while he killed their three kids." Sirius took a deep breath. "I know things like that are happening all the time, but I'd never seen it before, not caught them in the act like that... It made me realize what it is to use someone, Moony. That I had used you like that. I never got it before then; I hated Snivellus so fucking much and still do, but... I never meant to do that to you, not ever. I just didn't think. And I'm sorry," Sirius finished, opening his eyes tentatively.
Remus was sitting, almost frozen, biting his lower lip. His expression was totally unreadable and he wouldn't meet Sirius' eyes.
Desperation made Sirius' voice low and rough. "Moony, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I did something totally stupid and I didn't think about any possibilities for how it might end. If I had, I never would have done it on purpose; I know you don't believe me but I just wanted to scare Snape, not feed him to you. I'm so sorry I betrayed you," he whispered, trying to hold back the moisture gathering in his eyes. "I'm sorry I used you. I miss you and I don't care if you think I'm a big girl for saying this, but I love you, Moony, and I really, truly miss being friends with you."
Remus reached out a hand and squeezed Sirius' shoulder briefly. He nodded once. "I miss you too, Pads. And I forgive you for not having thought the consequences through. And for wanting to scare Snape; I know how you lose your head. But you betrayed me," he said, and Sirius felt like Remus had hit him in the chest. "I could have killed him and it made me sick to think you would just use me like that. As a tool. And it wasn't just what you did..." Remus fiddled with his drink. "It was that it was you, out of any of the others. It would have hurt if it had been James or Peter, but it had to be you. I fancied you, Sirius."
And then Sirius did one of the stupidest, smartest things he could have done. He leaned forward and tried to kiss Remus. Who naturally shoved him off and onto the floor, where Sirius hit his head, upsetting the bottle on the coffee table and drenching himself in the odiferous spirits. The smart bit was that it made Remus laugh, which was good because otherwise Sirius thought he might actually cry.
He lay on the floor and gave Remus an uncertain half-smile.
Remus shook his head and gave him a rueful grin. "You're impossible. I've only just forgiven you, and you're trying to get in my pants. I don't fancy you any longer."
Sirius grinned back. Remus said he'd forgiven him and all it took was getting pissed, nearly getting in a fight, and then confessing his big girly feelings and getting a bit weepy. And a book and some chocolate and an expensive dinner. And a bit of a knock on the head. But those were trivialities compared to the rest.
"I promise," he said, sitting up. "Moony, I hereby solemnly swear that I will never ever betray you again. Ever."
Remus held his eyes for a long time, then reached out to pull Sirius close. They embraced, not awkwardly, but as brothers.
And with a bit of work, Sirius was sure he could make Remus fancy him again.
hit counter
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 07:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 08:26 pm (UTC)Thanks for asking me to try this - it was a great challenge! :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 04:44 pm (UTC)It's so sweet with spot on characterizations.
I hereby solemnly swear that I will never ever betray you again. Ever.
This is the saddest most poignant line. Knowing exactly what Remus will see after James and Lily are killed makes this all sorts of sad making! *snuggles you under the covers and sneakily gropes you*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 07:49 pm (UTC)I think I tried to do too much with this and it still wasn't quite what I wanted, but it got the flavor of what I was going for. I'm glad you liked it.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-13 08:31 pm (UTC)And this was great:
no subject
Date: 2008-01-15 04:14 am (UTC)I don't have any plans to specifically continue on this, although it does fit in with the Remus-centric story currently in progress. I don't think it quite matches all of the timing-details in my "Potions and Cures" series, but it's very much the same boys, in spirit. Enjoy!