what a weekend

[salixbabylon]

Actually had a good day Friday and Saturday. Got some small things done, messed around a lot. A good friend gave birth and I guess I went into "nesting" mode, and made bread and soup and turkey stock and banana nut bread.

Wrote two more smut scenes for EE4 which is turning out to be about *shudder* 20 pages at least, maybe more. My plot outline means I have way too much to accomplish in one chapter. Ah well. After this is will get light and fluffy PWP-ish again, I promise!

Had a lovely Valentine's day. Husband woke me up with "let's go out to breakfast and then drive up the coast and do random stuff." It was so nice, the day was gorgeous, clear blue sky, fresh salt air, the ocean and waves breaking on rocks such a beautiful sight that it makes everything in your life seem like it will all be all right after all. And we talked about mostly nothings, but things are getting better, and I think trust will be restored eventually. We wandered around hippe art studios and talked about when-we're-rich art and furniture purchases ("we need a gong" "no, we do NOT need a gong in the house. you'd drive me nuts." "you're already nuts." *smooch*) and in general had a good time just in each other's company. Haven't done that in a while.

And then today I made a long-assed to-do list and got panicked about it and started doing yoga and my normal workout and threw my back out instead. And then had a lovely long fit of hysterical sobbing about school and work and my to-do lists and how the mold in the bathroom drives me crazy and I never feel like I can relax and all I want to do is run away and how I hate my life and I hate being like this and how it's just too much.

And I've decided to drop two of my classes this semester and just do one. I just can't do it. I bit off more than I can chew, and I'm dying, if not literally, certainly emotionally. Every day I feel wretched and horrible, until I can distract myself by getting things done or by hiding in slash.

So I've really let myself down, but I think I'd feel worse if I actually failed my classes. I just can't do it right now. And I've given up so much, belly dance, wicca-stuff, a lot of my social life, and a great deal of the respect I worked hard to ear at work. For this hell, this constant feeling of failure no matter how much I do.

So goddess only knows when I'll finish my degree now, but it won't be in December 2004. It may only add one more semester on, though, so maybe spring 2005.

Anyway, I just hope this means I cry less and get more things done, for a few months at least. I'll probably have to go back to FT work, though, or at least increase my hours...

The big plus side, though, is that even as disappointed in myself as I feel, for having tried to do too much, for having failed, I still know this is the right decision.

And plus, now maybe I can finish EE and VS-2 in a more timely way. ;) I've missed writing.

I've missed breathing.

Now if only my back would stop hurting...