salixbabylon | Fic: A Vegetable Love

Apparently I forgot to xpost this to my own journal. Possibly on purpose, as it's the crackiest piece of sparkling crack I think I have ever writtten.

Title: A Vegetable Love
Author:

salixbabylon
Pairing: Arthur/Eames
Rating: PG-13ish?
Word Count: 528
Disclaimer: Credits to Christopher Nolan. I just like making them do naughty things. Unbeated - proceed at your own risk!

Summary: Arthur/Eames Grocery Store AU crack/humor/insanity. As in, they're vegetables.

Notes: As usual, you can blame

ladykatiewench for this. She needed cheering up, and I wrote this in chat, and well... Yeah... Insanity. IDEK.

A Vegetable Love

Once upon a time there was some cauliflower.

The cauliflower was in a big bin with a lot of its relatives, and the bin was next to a huge container of celery. The celery was very sexy, the cauliflower thought. So straight and long and tall...

It smelled so green and the cauliflower was so very white.

One day the cauliflower decided to make his move. "So, darling, what's a nice vegetable like you doing in a market like this?" he asked, grinning and showing off his white florets.

The celery clenched even tighter in its bundle, if possible. "I'm trying to get out of here, if you must know. Infiltrate the home of a shopper, case their refrigerator, see if there's anything of value. Maybe make a salad."

"A salad?" the cauliflower smirked. "That's so unimaginative. What about a mirepoix, or a plate of crudites, or even a snack with peanut butter?"

"Peanut butter? You'd want me to contaminate my curves with ground up nut mud?"

"Nothing wrong with getting a little flavor on you, love," the cauliflower teased.

"Stop talking to me," the celery demanded.

The cauliflower started to retort, but just then a human walked up to the vegetable crisper. He seemed to have a problem with his face where there wasn't enough room for his eyes, but other than that he seemed a nice greenish brown color, at least on his fronds. The man grabbed the cauliflower's celery friend and shoved him in a plastic bag.

The cauliflower's very core froze at the sight, but then the man paused. Another bag in his hand, he reached into the cauliflower bin. His hand touched the bunch sitting next to our cauliflower, but he was not to be passed over like that. He jostled against the other bunch, making it show the brown spots on its underside, and the man grabbed him instead.

The cauliflower shivered in triumph as he was bagged and tossed (somewhat rudely) into the basket, landing on top of the celery.

"Fancy seeing you here, darling," the cauliflower chuckled.

"Dear god, no." The celery sighed. "At least you're wrapped up," he conceded.

"Wouldn't want to mingle with those onions, now would we?" the cauliflower laughed. "So, tell me about this plan of yours..."

*****

Several hours later, the cauliflower sighed in contentment as he was thrown into a big pot. The onions had been burned into submission, and the celery was fragrant and ready for him. They combined, swirling around in the moist heat, mingling their flavors, ignoring all the other ingredients as they simmered.

"You were right," the celery conceded, voice filled with satiation. "This stew is really better than anything I could have envisioned."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, love," the cauliflower answered, breaking apart and disseminating his florets until they were completely combined.

Together, they burbled and swam, pressing against each other, combining to create something bigger and better than either one of them could achieve alone - the celery's crisp brightness and the cauliflower's malleable flexibility. And together they created a magnificent melange of minestrone, with just the right peppery bite to keep the cauliflower interested always.

The End