it's all about me

[salixbabylon]

I try not to be all depressing and whiny in my LJ, which is why I haven't been posting much lately other than the naked guys on Fridays. I'm going to try to change that though, so you might wanna just de-friend me now...

And frankly, speaking of friending/de-: I'm cool with people who add me just because they want access to f-locked stories. I'm cool with lurkers - I don't comment much on other people's LJs, especially "new friends" myself. But I have to admit that it bums me out when someone friends me and then defriends me without a word. I get that you wanted to read the story and didn't want to stick around after. But a comment saying you read it might take the sting away a little.

I know I'm being oversensitive. Sometimes I am needy and emo.



I am still having a really hard time about Oswald being gone. It's the little things that get me, like coming home to an empty house, or food that falls to the floor and doesn't get eaten up. Throwing away leftovers that would have gone in the doggie disposal. Realizing I haven't watered the plants outside because I haven't been out to throw balls for him to fetch.

I know there will be another dog someday. But right now I feel so ... sad. There are no words for how sad I feel, knowing I'll never see him again.

I have cried mroe this year than I think I have in the last 20...

I went "home" for the weekend for my grandmother's bday. This is my mom's mom, and since my mom's death, she's lost about 30lbs and is looking very frail. She's 87, so I guess that's to be expected. My dad, who cares for her, is also having some health problems. And my dad's dog was a bit older than my Oswald - so over 14, and he's on his way out as well.

I know everything that lives will die. I know it's natural, part of the circle. It just feels like it's all happening right now, and it's devastating to see vibrant people and pets grow old and die. I don't know how much more I can handle.

I can't write. I want to, I badly wanted to finish my novel by the end of October - which is when I started it last year. But I have 6-7 chapters left, 30k words, and Rodney's patter is too upbeat and witty and I am too down and too slow-witted to keep up with him.

I feel like I missed the boat on Inception, which seemed like a fantastic fandom... but my mom died and I wanted comfort-fic, and I think I missed it.

I want to write, but I feel stuck. And to be perfectly honest and vulnerable, having dozens of people ask for access to stories and then leave without a word, kind of hurts. I feel very demotivated.

Woe unto me. It could be much worse, I know.



Okay, that's enough self-pity. Some good things...

1) Trip to SF tomorrow to see the deadly plants exhibit at the conservatory of flowers.

2) Achieved first weight-loss goal. 3 more lbs and I get purple boots!

3) Peaches and cucumbers are in season and abundant.

4) Cool summer weather = hardly any 100-degree days so far. *knocks wood*

5) Grandma liked the socks I crocheted for her bday. Yes, even at nearly 40, it still feels good to have your grandma be proud of your accomplishments.

Comments

[soar38.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hug* :)

[shinyslasher.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, honey :( I missed the post about your dog being gone (I'm more on twitter than lj these days) *hugs you tightly* I hope things get better for you soon! *loves*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I hope so too. Some days are good, some not so much. Hopefully the balance will shift over time.

[sally-daer.livejournal.com]

So sorry it's being a bad year :(

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Me too. Life can start looking up any day now, thanks. ;)

[http://users.livejournal.com/tesserae_/]

*hugs*

So very hard to lose people/pets you love, and it takes a long while to get your stamina back while you're still coming to terms with the space they left. Go easy on yourself; you loved Oswald for years, and losing your mom is enormous in itself...

I feel like I missed the boat on Inception

Someone on my flist posted about another Big Bang round for that fandom, if you're interested.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I do think I've been impatient with myself. It's only been 4 weeks tomorrow, and he was the second of the two other "people" I've lived with for almost 14 years...

I will check those out. I didn't even know there was a first big bang...

[http://users.livejournal.com/tesserae_/]

I lost the cat of my heart five years ago, and I still miss her. It took ages to come to terms with losing her, and I still have moments of wondering if I could have been a better kitty mom, done something differently (she was 16 and died of acute kidney failure. Very quick, no suffering, but still...) It's natural to try and push those feelings away, but they will get less urgent over time.

And the Inception comm is here: inception_bang

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the comfort - and the link. :)

[rosi-smaabu.livejournal.com]

I worry about the people who aren't needy and emo sometimes. And if loss of a family member (I know some people don't see pets as members of the family, but they're just wrong) doesn't entitle you to it, I don't know what does.

*hugs*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

;) I do too. I try not to come across as too well-balanced or together, but apparently my lack of whining and emo makes people think I'm sane.

It's a big - and awful - change. I know I'll get used to his absence over time. I just need to be more patient with myself until then.

[venusinchains.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I'm terribly guilty of the lurking (and, even worse, I'm not always paying attention, but I have no plans to de-friend, especially for ranting there'd be next to NOBODY on my friends list if I did - and it sounds like you have some very reasonable excuses to be down. Don't worry about it.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Glad you'll be sticking around - lurk all you want. ;)

[la-mariane.livejournal.com]

*hugs* See icon.

It sounds like you're having a really rough time, and you should not hesitate to post on LJ. Sometimes, it feels good to vent/rant/be sad on LJ.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I did feel better once I wrote it all down. I'd forgotten how much that can help.

[malevolent73.livejournal.com]

Hey, emo-ing is what LJ is for. And a flist is meant to support you through it all. We lost a few of our pets in the same year as my father in law passed. It was rough and understandably upsetting. It takes time to feel good again, even when we have the excuse that we know its supposed to happen. There is nothing wrong with seeking comfort from like minded individuals. :) *hugs*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you. I know other people have gone through it befere - it's the huge downside of owning pets with shorter life spans. But it's good to hear from others that it was rough, yet they got through it. It's good to know that others have made it out the other side.

[nverland]

tons and tons of ((hugs)) and even more understanding.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*

[ladykatiewench.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, darlin'! I love you terribly! I've only had Moe for a few months and I don't know what I'd do without him. I can't even imagine what you are feeling. You are so wonderful and beautiful and strong for missing him like you do.

I'm happy for all your happiness notes! I am so incredibly impressed that you can make socks! I don't even know how to begin socks!

And if you want some good inception, there is an arthur/eames angst/romance matchup comm. I only read the romance. Cause it makes me happy to have romance. If you want it, it's here: http://ae-match.livejournal.com/tag/team%20romance If you want h/c fic, there is some here: http://eames-arthur.livejournal.com/tag/genre%3A%20h%2Fc

Let me know if there is anything I can do! I love you!!

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's been awful, but it will end. I just need to stop wishing I could fast-forawrd thoguh the painful part - life isn't like that.

Team romance! Yay. I think one of the reasons I stopped reading Inception was because of the huge angst - it's good to know which ones will have happy endings. Thank you. :)

(frozen)

[princesslanie.livejournal.com]

squishy hugs.

have fun on the trip.
yay on the weight goal, purple boots will look devine.
cool on the socks. i know what you mean about someone being proud of you.

hang in there.

(frozen)

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you.

I'll post boot pics when I get them. :)

[jackieville.livejournal.com]

*squishes very tightly and loves so much*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*cuddles*

[anorienparker.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hugs* :)

[vodou-blue.livejournal.com]

First off... *HUG*

Second: You're right that people should as least say 'thanks; I liked that fic' or something. Anything. Even if it's just 'hi'.

Third: Losing a pet is heartbreaking. They are members of our families, our children, our unfailing comforterers, so being down after your sweetie passed is the right reaction. Frankly, I'd think less of you if you didn't miss him dearly. Losing more than one loved one at a time is very hard, so you go right ahead and be emo-- we'll understand.

Lastly: I'm jealous of your cool weather! It's over 100F here every day.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I whine about the comments thing, but goodness knows I don't comment on even half the things I read either, unless it totally blows me out of the water or a friend wrote it. So I get it, it's just that right now I am a needy mess. ;)

It's had. it's boog to know that others have the same expereinces, and know what sometimes, it's not "just" a pet, it's your best friend.

*hugs tight*

[hammil77.livejournal.com]

I think it might just a matter of life having up and down years. Hopefully 2012 will fare better for you and that the rest of this year will give you a break. *hugs*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

I certainly hope so. One mroe bad thing and I'll go totally over the bend... ;)

[gladsomemind.livejournal.com]

3lbs. Doddle :)

Random bit of nostalgia for you. I think I first met you when Oswald was still a puppy (a big puppy but still very young). I remember sitting on a sofa and being jumped on by this overly enthusiastic thing on it's way to sucking up to someone else (I wasn't holding any food).

You know that if you need to escape for a while I can shuffle somethings about and you are welcome to stay as long as you want/need to don't you?

Sorry, I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I knew you in a different CENTURY!!!! When did we get old?

(Sneaks off to unfriend without saying anything...)

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Awww... babydog memories. :)

We are thinking of a long visit in June, when G is done with classes and the flat is done being remodled and the current occupant is OUT. I think it might be time to rent a car and go one some specific trips... Before we get a new puppy.

I'm not getting old. I decided not to. :P

[cookiemom6067.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through right now. Grief sucks, but there's no rushing the process. I hear you trying to "be rational" and sort of talk yourself out of feeling bad. I hope I'm off base, but if I'm not, I hope you'll recognize that all the rational "reasons" you shouldn't be sad, or should "get over it" are not going to do anything but make you feel worse.

It's OK to feel bad. You don't owe the Universe a particular grief timetable, and you don't owe your readers a single word. Focus on the little things that feel good, and eventually you will be more happy than sad.

I wish you well in your process and see you naturally and inevitably healing and moving on, always remembering your losses, but not sacrificing your present to your past. I see you surrounded by family and friends that love you, and readers that appreciate you. I see you happy, healthy, and strong.

If I may suggest: turn off the LJ notification for when someone defriends you.

*hugs*

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

You hit the nail on the head - I want to just get through it as fast as possible, because it hurts so much. The fact that I can't is just making me crazy. I need to take a deep breath, try to find some patience.

And turning off the notification - duh. I honest to god never thought of that - thank you. Sometimes, i get all wrapped up in my head and forget the obvious - if it hurts, stop poking it!

Thank you for the words of comfort and wisdom. *hug*

[only-one-girl.livejournal.com]

As others have said, it's good to let it all out once in a while. And you certainly have good reason to right now. Many of us have been there and totally understand.

By the way, don't take the defriending too personally. You're a phenomenal writer and there may be any number of reasons why people leave. I'm sometimes so overwhelmed by RL that I disappear for long stretches, and I'm always surprised that the few people I've friended don't defriend *me*.

I'll be sending good vibes for better days ahead ... :)

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you for the compliments. And I do feel a lot better for having put all the feelings into words. You're right, people coming and going is nothing to do with me - it's their thing. I need to not take it so personally.

[justjulie2297.livejournal.com]

I want to send my hugs to you as well. Cry on our shoulders anytime.

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you. I have such good friends.