musing and self-revelations

[salixbabylon]

So I noticed over the last few days that in addition to my usual "get severely depressed every other summer, and slightly depressed EVERY summer" pattern, I also have another one.

Every time I get really stressed out and upset and things sucksuckSUCK... I really have to hit rock-bottom before I can find any hope or optimism or work to make things change. I have to get realistic.

No idle fantasizing about suicide, divorce, or running away.

I have to really think realistically about how I would kill myself, where, when, if I would leave a note, if I would make a Will.
Think about packing up my stuff in boxes, deciding which of us gets what, who gets the dog, going to the courthouse and filling out paperwork, talking to a lawyer, telling my parents and friends.
Think about getting my passport updated, taking a huge wad of cash out of the bank, buying airline tickets, where would I go, what would I do, how would I keep people from finding me.

And once I've really thought about it, as a possible reality, then I realize I don't want to do that.

And then I can work on making things better.

Not a good pattern, but there it is. And I'm writing this down this time, so I remember it.