meta morning
Mar. 25th, 2007 10:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
salixbabylonFor some reason my f-list's posts this morning while I was drinking my tea made me think again about the big question of why I've never been a BFG or a well-known writer or even just a generically popular online persona.
I think it comes down to be being too mellow for fandoms.
I hate flame wars and avoid them. I don't read them out of prurient interest. I don't care who called whom a backstabbing bitch or who was accused of plagiarism and whether it's true or not. I maintain the policy that if fewer people would get involved, the flames would die down faster. I refuse to fan them myself.
I also don't worship BNFs. If I'm really awed by someone's writing, I do tend to gush a bit in email or LJ comments, but I don't tag along after them and gush about everything they write. I maintain that someone can write a story that really resonates with me and I think is brilliant, and also write some kind of crappy fics. I won't lie and say I thought the crappy fics were brilliant. I don't think anyone on the planet only produces brilliant work.
I also don't make Best Friends with people online very fast. Furthermore, once I am close friends with someone, I don't automatically hate everyone they get into a catfight with. If I'm BFFs with Doris and she and Mildred get into a brawl, I'm not going to automatically hate Mildred and tell everyone I know that they should hate her too. Besides, maybe Doris is wrong. I try to be supportive and loving to my friends, but that doesn't mean I can't see that occasionally they might be petty or judgmental or just plain wrong about something. That's ok - sometimes I'm petty and mean and make mistakes too. I still love my friends even when I think they're making asses out of themselves. I hope for the same patience from them, along with a subtle "You might consider that you're not right about this" once I can take hearing that without flying off the handle.
Also, sometimes I disagree with my friends. Maybe Gertrude thought "Troy" was the best movie ever. I thought it sucked. I will always think Colin Firth is unattractive. I don't like most scifi. I don't like babies or weddings/commitment ceremonies in my porn. I'm not into big muscly men. I like pale pretty boys, preferably in schoolboy uniforms. I think the straight women who are allergic to het have some issues about their own sexuality to work out. I have opinions, and when I disagree with someone about them, I try to be respectful and then redirect the conversation. We don't have to agree about everything. How could we broaden each others' horizons if we did?
When I stopped writing so much VigOrli and went back to writing HP, my ego took a huge blow. In HP, I don't have many readers and definitely no fans. I haven't put the effort into crossposting my fics all over the place or in commenting on every fic I read in hopes that the authors will come and check me out. I do fee a little sad to know that the majority of my recent work, whether it's 50kw or HP or whatever, isn't being read. I feel like I've matured as a writer and that I'm getting better, and it's a little sad to be mostly known for works that are 2+ years old and not for anything since.
But I've also realized that I just don't care enough about being a BNF to ever be one. I'm not a worshiper-of-BNFs or a best-friend-maker or a flame warrior. I'm ok with being obscure, even though I do feel under-appreciated some days. I'm not saying I'm "above it all" - I'd like to be popular again. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, and I do want that.
But I'm so much more comfortable with who I am than pretending to be someone I'm not. Wanting to be a BNF and not being one doesn't frustrate me as much anymore. I know that my writing skills will continue to improve and that someday they will be appreciated. Maybe I'll become a novelist. Maybe writing will make me a more eloquent speaker.
Maybe it will teach me to let go of attachment to outcome and to focus on the joy of writing, just for myself.
I didn't mean for this to turn into such a long post. It was just kind of a where-I-am-right-now-in-my-head diary thing.
I think it comes down to be being too mellow for fandoms.
I hate flame wars and avoid them. I don't read them out of prurient interest. I don't care who called whom a backstabbing bitch or who was accused of plagiarism and whether it's true or not. I maintain the policy that if fewer people would get involved, the flames would die down faster. I refuse to fan them myself.
I also don't worship BNFs. If I'm really awed by someone's writing, I do tend to gush a bit in email or LJ comments, but I don't tag along after them and gush about everything they write. I maintain that someone can write a story that really resonates with me and I think is brilliant, and also write some kind of crappy fics. I won't lie and say I thought the crappy fics were brilliant. I don't think anyone on the planet only produces brilliant work.
I also don't make Best Friends with people online very fast. Furthermore, once I am close friends with someone, I don't automatically hate everyone they get into a catfight with. If I'm BFFs with Doris and she and Mildred get into a brawl, I'm not going to automatically hate Mildred and tell everyone I know that they should hate her too. Besides, maybe Doris is wrong. I try to be supportive and loving to my friends, but that doesn't mean I can't see that occasionally they might be petty or judgmental or just plain wrong about something. That's ok - sometimes I'm petty and mean and make mistakes too. I still love my friends even when I think they're making asses out of themselves. I hope for the same patience from them, along with a subtle "You might consider that you're not right about this" once I can take hearing that without flying off the handle.
Also, sometimes I disagree with my friends. Maybe Gertrude thought "Troy" was the best movie ever. I thought it sucked. I will always think Colin Firth is unattractive. I don't like most scifi. I don't like babies or weddings/commitment ceremonies in my porn. I'm not into big muscly men. I like pale pretty boys, preferably in schoolboy uniforms. I think the straight women who are allergic to het have some issues about their own sexuality to work out. I have opinions, and when I disagree with someone about them, I try to be respectful and then redirect the conversation. We don't have to agree about everything. How could we broaden each others' horizons if we did?
When I stopped writing so much VigOrli and went back to writing HP, my ego took a huge blow. In HP, I don't have many readers and definitely no fans. I haven't put the effort into crossposting my fics all over the place or in commenting on every fic I read in hopes that the authors will come and check me out. I do fee a little sad to know that the majority of my recent work, whether it's 50kw or HP or whatever, isn't being read. I feel like I've matured as a writer and that I'm getting better, and it's a little sad to be mostly known for works that are 2+ years old and not for anything since.
But I've also realized that I just don't care enough about being a BNF to ever be one. I'm not a worshiper-of-BNFs or a best-friend-maker or a flame warrior. I'm ok with being obscure, even though I do feel under-appreciated some days. I'm not saying I'm "above it all" - I'd like to be popular again. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, and I do want that.
But I'm so much more comfortable with who I am than pretending to be someone I'm not. Wanting to be a BNF and not being one doesn't frustrate me as much anymore. I know that my writing skills will continue to improve and that someday they will be appreciated. Maybe I'll become a novelist. Maybe writing will make me a more eloquent speaker.
Maybe it will teach me to let go of attachment to outcome and to focus on the joy of writing, just for myself.
I didn't mean for this to turn into such a long post. It was just kind of a where-I-am-right-now-in-my-head diary thing.
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no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 06:44 pm (UTC)I've been thinking about writing original fiction rather than fanfics. Since I started writing Phantom fics rather than LotR fics, very few people read what I write. (And I didn't have that many people reading my stuff in the first place.)
So, if no one's reading anyway, I reckon I ought to write for the sake of writing, to hopefully improve as a writer. I've no idea what I'd do with what I end up writing, but I think I'll feel better about what I'm writing.
If you write any original works, I'd be most interested in reading them. It's always a pleasure to read a well crafted story.
*hugs*
I've often wondered about the blind devotion people sometimes have for others. As you've said, no one is perfect all the time.
And friendships would be terribly boring if everyone was in complete agreement on everything. (Although, I wish some of my friends would lay off the making fun angle - if they don't like the actors I like, can't they just leave it at that? It's fun for them to tease but not so fun for me to be teased. At least, not as frequently as some of them insist upon doing.) *sigh*
*hugs you again*
no subject
Date: 2007-03-25 10:05 pm (UTC)I'm currently trying my hand at writing original fiction and it's been an interesting shift. I think letting go of the need for feedback (which I'm still working on) is important. With "real" publications you don't get that. I think if I were still in VigOrli and getting lots of fb, I probably never would have been willing to try it. (If you're interested, my nothing-there-yet LJ for origfic is
Teasing can be very hurtful, even when you know it's not intended as such. I hope the people who are doing it will lay off you now. *hug*
no subject
Date: 2007-03-28 01:30 am (UTC)I friended
no subject
Date: 2007-03-28 09:34 pm (UTC)